在过关中对照“真、善、忍”的法理向内找(PM 4th sharing)
Y P
尊敬的师父好！
各位同修大家好！
今天想和大家一起分享这几年我在与孩子相处中的修炼体会。
自2021年到2025年的近五年时间，我和孩子之间发生过很大的问题，互相指责、争吵、冷战，有很多次争吵得特别激烈，感觉正常的生活状态都难以维系。那些年确实我和孩子都过得很艰难，过关也过得很慢很辛苦，但是现在真觉得这些艰辛都是好事，如果没有和孩子的这些问题，我可能没有意识到需要去反思自己根深蒂固的教育观念，那些刺激人心的争吵也推动着我不得不做出改变。真的很感谢师父在我的修炼路上的看护和巧妙的安排。
师父在《精进要旨》<悟>中开示：“果然有缘能悟者，俩俩相继而来，入道得法。”我和孩子可能就是这样相继而来的吧，让我们在修炼中互相提醒。但我根深蒂固的观念太深，以至于用了将近五年的时间才有所醒悟。
我们争吵的起因大部分是在交流时，他在讲是非對錯，我卻总能在其中找到机会教导他如何遵守良好的道德品行，即使孩子并沒有所涉及到的品行問題，我總是覺得不放心，需要反復教導他。也有的時候他提出我对事情的理解有问题或者是我做错的地方，即使我意识到自己有错，也不会当场向孩子承认。倒不是我不想认错，而是觉得不应该在他面前认错，担心这会导致他以后与别人相处遇到矛盾时，会将关注点放在如何找出别人的错误。由于这样的担心，我就会从讨论事情转而变成教育他，希望他明白道理后，我单独一个人时再向内找去改正。通常这样的时候，孩子就会很无奈又着急，觉得我说话偏离重点，逻辑思维混乱。两个人都在自己关注的点上试图说服对方，就容易吵起来，这时候我又转而去关注他的态度。我觉得他不懂孝顺，不知道尊重长辈。他试图解决我们之间的沟通问题，我试图解决他对我的态度问题。
发生矛盾后，我向内找到了很多执着心，也真的想去掉它们。但我们的矛盾并没有得到改善，反而因为有过太多次不愉快的经历的影响而导致以后的交流很快的进入争吵状态。
争吵的次数多了，觉得心累的时候就想，孩子既然是修炼人，自然是师父在管，算了，我就放心把孩子交给师父吧，觉得自己这是“信师信法”，哪怕孩子做错了也不提醒。为自己逃避为人母的责任寻找借口。
师父又在《转法轮》中开示：
“当然，我们在常人社会中修炼，孝敬父母、管教孩子都是应该的，在各种环境中都得对别人好，与人为善，何况你的亲人。”
当我读到这段法或者想起这段法的时候又觉得不管孩子，心里不踏实。但管的时候，以前读过的教育书，学习的教育理论所产生的教育观念就冒出来，那些教育观念有的互相矛盾，有的不切实际，有的不符合我的家庭情况，有的充斥着浓厚的党文化，往往造成更大的矛盾。在管与不管的矛盾中，我的情绪也变的很不稳定。
师父在《转法轮》中开示：
“有人管孩子也发火，简直吵翻了天，你管孩子也用不着那样，你自己不要真正动气，你要理智一些教育孩子，才能真正的把孩子教育好。”
孩子很多次用这段法提醒我，我也读过很多遍这段法，我提醒自己不要真正动气，但是并没有很好的效果。师父说要理智一些教育孩子，我也不明白什么是理智的教育孩子。
有一天我又在想这个问题，脑中突然有个念头：我去找找师父是怎么讲理智这个问题的，我想不到师父有哪篇是专门讲理智的，所以就找到了师父在二零零零年发表的新经文《理性》，师父开示：
“学员在难中很难看到事情的因由、但不是没有办法，当静下心来用大法衡量一下就可以看到事情的本质。”
那么我和孩子的矛盾中事情的本质是什么？师父说用大法来衡量，师父讲了那么多的法理，我用哪些法理来衡量我面对的情况，我仍然不知道。后来我想，那就简单一点，用“真、善、忍”来衡量吧。当我这样做的时候，我和孩子之间的沟通方式和关系有了很大的改变，不僅在日常生活中矛盾少了，而且在矛盾真正來臨時也能在法上思考問題了，並理性的看待、分析和解決矛盾。孩子开玩笑的说：“我们好久没有吵架了，好像吵不起来了。”
第一部分、用“真”来衡量，坦诚与孩子交流
第一、说“真”话。我和孩子交流时没有真诚的说出我讲那么多道理是因为对他品行的担忧，所以孩子觉得那些已经知道的道理再重复的讲，而且对解决事情并没有帮助。当我后来有几次把我的真实的担忧的想法说出来的时候，孩子表示理解我，并且告诉我他也会向内找，遇到事情的时候会想起师父讲过的话，让我不要担心。我们的交流就变的和善和融洽起来。
第二、真正做到相信师父。我真的放心把什么都交给师父吗？明白一面的我肯定是放心的，但是我遇到事情并不能马上用法理来衡量，生怕孩子出这样那样的问题。
师父在《转法轮》中开示：
“我说你妄想，你干涉不了别人的生活，左右不了别人的命运，包括妻子儿女、父母兄弟他们的命运，那是你说了算的吗？”
孩子是个修炼人，自然有师父看护着他，需要他修去的执着，自然会安排给他需要过的关，学法中他也会在他所在层次中领悟法理。我又有什么可以焦虑的呢？看到孩子有问题，善意提出来，至于孩子能理解到什么成度，做到什么成度是他修炼的过程。
想明白这些，再遇到我觉得需要教导孩子的时候，我只是善意的提出来，提醒是我为人母的责任，怎么做由孩子自己去衡量。他需要我的建议，我就真实的说出自己的想法，我们可以在法理上交流，但是我不会强制他按照我说的去做。
有一次去大组学法，到时间了我提醒孩子该准备出门。他说那天想自己在家学。听到这里我的人心上来了，就说他“自己在家又会忘记，不去大组学法的时候，你自己也总是不学。”孩子一听来气了，说：“我哪次不学了？”听的出来他对我的不信任有情绪，说话语气也不太好。我没有马上意识到，自己把揣测当成事实，好在当时也没有动气，说了一句“那随便你吧。不过你说话好凶啊。”在去学法的路上，我反思自己说话夸大其词，也不信任孩子，而且没有考虑他是否有什么原因，但是他说话大声语气不好，我提出来也是应该的。孩子能不能去大组学法是他要过的关，我只管向内找自己的问题。
在学法快结束的时候，我看到孩子来学法点了，我很惊讶。后来，他对我说，他反思了自己，对我的说话语气不好，不应该这样，而且觉得不能不来学法，他在家时估计赶到学法点可能我们都快读完了，他想能不能赶上学法是一回事，去不去是一回事。所以就自己坐火车赶过来了。这就是他的修炼过程。每个人都在自己修炼路上，而我们要做的就是互相提醒，互相帮助，一起提高。
第二部分，用“善”来衡量，修出理解孩子的善
當我覺察到孩子心中有苦，想跟他交流時，孩子经常跟我说，他知道我说的是为了他好，知道我说的话也有道理，但是并不能帮助他解决他的煩惱或者遇到的问题。反而因为和我沟通起来很难受，无端增添烦恼，更感觉不到我对他的理解。因为我只是在论事，简单的将事情好坏对错分析出来，教他如何按照我所认为的那样去做，事情解决就好了。
为此，我甚至很疑惑，我全心全意的想帮助他，为什么他觉得我不理解他。他再遇到事情也不愿意跟我说。尽管如此，他仍然尝试很多种方法跟我交流，分析我的思维方式，试图找出适合与我相处的模式。他这样做有一些效果，但还是没有解决我们的根本问题。
我想改变这个状况，就仔细回想孩子曾经跟我说过的他遇到事情时的状态，我闭上眼睛，想象他的无助和痛苦，困惑与迷茫，我突然觉得孩子很可怜，原来他承受了很多，我的意识中甚至能够真切的体会到那些感受，还有很具象的画面。梦中师父也点化我他一路走过来的艰辛，在梦里他从一个黑暗的地方走出来，披着斗篷，两边是挤满的夹道欢迎的人群，向他叫着“英雄，英雄”，当他走近的时候，我才发现他满身是裂缝，是一个人在黑暗中将破碎的身体一块一块捡起来后拼成一个完整的自己。回想以前他跟我讲述的事情，我几乎没有考虑他遇到了怎樣艱難的事情，遇到這些事情對他來說是怎樣的煎熬，這些事情是否引发了情绪应激反应，他是不是有什么担心，他这么做是有什么样的考虑。
我开始注重他这个人本身而不是事情的走向和结果，也越来越够理解他的言行，他的情绪。我想这种理解就是某种境界中的“慈悲”吧，我心里更多是关注他是否安好，有什么需求。如果他需要安静，我可以默默的不说一句话，不会觉得我必须要做些什么才算帮到他。如果他需要我的建议，我可以把我认知范围内觉得最好的建议给他，也仅仅只是建议，不会要求他要接纳和执行。如果他决定了怎么做，只要不违反法理与道德，即使不是那么完善，我也不会担忧，因为我知道孩子需要在错误中总结，体会现实的瞬息万变。这种“慈悲”里没有我，没有我得做什么，我希望什么，我要得到什么。
第三部分、用“忍”来衡量，从为我到为他的转变
师父在《精进要旨》《何为忍》中开示
“忍是提高心性的关键。气恨、委屈、含泪而忍是常人执着于顾虑心之忍，根本就不产生气恨，不觉委屈才是修炼者之忍。”
以前和孩子有矛盾的时候，我能有常人之忍已经觉得很不错了。有时候会想起这句法，但是做不到，我不知道怎么才能达到修炼者之忍。
常人之忍过后是更强烈的反弹，再次遇到矛盾的时候就想：我都忍了好几回了，还向内找自己的问题，这回我再忍不就是纵容你吗？这样想的时候，把前几次忍的都爆发出来，好像终于找到出口了，比之前爆发的还要厉害。但是过后又后悔，孩子也觉得我不可信，情绪不稳定。
只能做到“常人之忍”是因为“私”，当时忍下来可能是因为想逃避问题，想避免矛盾，想尽快让事情结束，看不起对方，不想和他一般见识等等。总之有个不单纯的目地在。因为带着目地心在忍，当目地没达到的时候就忍不住了，还觉得自己之前的忍非常委屈。
师尊在《洪吟三》〈谁是谁非〉中开示：“对的是他 错的是我 争什么”
委屈的时候我就反复背诵，但委屈的感受并没有消除，强行提醒自己得聼师父的话。这是一种外在的用法的力量来克制自己，有点效果，但不是溶于法中的感觉，做起来很辛苦。
我想师父为什么说对的是他，如果事情确实是对方做错了，怎么来理解对的是他？有一天，我突然理解到，站在对方的心性，对方的层次，对方对法的理解程度来说，他能做出什么举动，在他那个角度上讲确实是对的。而我错在没有理解对方的需求，体会他的感受，而是更多的关注自己，那是“私”。如果没有了“我”这个“私心”，也就想不起来自己是不是有委屈，也就不会产生气恨了。
再遇到矛盾的时候，我就能想起“利他”这两个字，让自己能从“我”中跳出来，思想变得更单纯，没有目的性，只希望对方好。
在和孩子的相处过程中走到这一步确实经历很多艰难的过程，感谢师父一路看护我们走过这四五年，给我那么多时间和机会，一次次的点化，一点点的等我提高。感谢孩子一直尝试，不断的和我交流，并在我有所改变后给予很大的鼓励。感谢同修在我遇到困难的时候不厌其烦的听我诉说，与我交流法理，帮助我提升。我也感谢我自己，保持着想要提高的心，有真修的愿望。
有了这次过关的思考，我也领悟到我接下来要改变与同修相处的方式。用“真善忍“的法理指导自己的言行，实实在在的在法上提高。
个人层次有限，如有不当之处，敬请同修慈悲指正。
感谢慈悲伟大的师尊！
谢谢同修！
Looking Within According to Truthfulness, Compassion, and Forbearance During Conflicts With My Son
Y P
Greetings, Master!
Greetings, fellow practitioners!
Today, I’d like to share my cultivation experiences in my relationship with my son over the past few years.
From 2021 to 2025, my son and I experienced significant difficulties in our relationship. We blamed each other, argued, and sometimes behaved very coldly to each other. Many of our arguments were particularly intense, making it difficult for us to maintain a normal life. Those years were indeed very hard for both of us, and overcoming these tribulations was a slow and arduous process.
However, I now truly feel that these hardships were all good things. Without those problems between us, I might not have realised the need to reflect on my deeply ingrained ideas about parenting. Those intense arguments also forced me to make changes. I am truly grateful to Master for His care and skilful arrangements on my cultivation path.
In Essentials for Further Advancement, Master said,
“Those who really have a predestined relationship and can enlighten will come one after another, entering the Dao and obtaining the Fa.”
Perhaps my son and I came together in this way, reminding each other in our cultivation. But my deeply ingrained beliefs were so strong that it took me almost five years to finally recognise them.
Most of our arguments stemmed from conversations in which he was discussing right and wrong, while I always found opportunities to teach him about good morals, even if he didn’t actually have any behavioural issues. I always felt uneasy and believed I needed to guide him repeatedly.
Sometimes he would point out that I had misunderstood something or done something wrong. Even if I realised I was wrong, I wouldn’t admit it to him immediately. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to admit it, but I felt I shouldn’t do so in front of him, as I worried that it would encourage him to focus on finding fault with others when facing conflicts in the future.
Because of this worry, I would shift from discussing the actual issue to educating him, hoping that he would first understand the principles. I would then reflect on my own actions and correct them when I was alone.
At such times, he would usually feel helpless and anxious, believing that I was going off-topic and that my reasoning was confused. We were both trying to convince each other of our own viewpoints, which easily led to arguments. I would then focus on his attitude. I felt that he didn’t understand filial piety or know how to respect his elders. He was trying to resolve the communication problems between us, while I was trying to correct his attitude towards me.
After each conflict, I looked inward and found many attachments, and I genuinely wanted to get rid of them. However, our relationship didn’t improve. Instead, the accumulation of so many unpleasant experiences meant that our subsequent conversations quickly turned into arguments.
When the arguments became too frequent and I felt mentally exhausted, I thought: “Since my son is a cultivator, Master is naturally in charge. I’ll just entrust my child to Master with peace of mind.” I felt that this was “believing in Master and the Fa”, and I stopped correcting my son even when he made mistakes. In reality, I was making excuses for shirking my responsibilities as a mother.
In Zhuan Falun, Master taught,
“Of course, in practicing cultivation in ordinary human society, we should respect parents and educate our children. Under all circumstances, we must be good and kind to others, not to mention to our family members. We should treat everyone in the same way. We must be good to our parents and children and be considerate of others in all respects.”
Whenever I read or thought of this passage, I felt uneasy about not disciplining my son. But when I tried to discipline him, the educational concepts I had learned from books and theories resurfaced. Some of these concepts contradicted each other, some were impractical, some didn’t suit my family situation, and some were heavily influenced by Party culture, often causing even greater conflicts. Caught between whether to discipline him or not, my emotions became very unstable.
Also in Zhuan Falun, Master said,
“Some people will lose their temper in disciplining children and yell at them, making quite a scene. You should not be that way in disciplining children, and neither should you, yourselves get really upset. You should educate children with reason so that you can really teach them well.”
My son has reminded me of this passage many times, and I’ve read it many times myself, reminding myself not to become truly angry. But it hasn’t been very effective. Master said to educate children with reason, but I didn’t understand what that meant.
One day, while pondering this question, a thought suddenly occurred to me: I should look for Master’s teachings on rationality. I couldn’t recall any of Master’s articles specifically addressing rationality, so I found Master’s scripture “Rationality“, published in 2000. Master instructed:
“Amidst tribulations, it is very difficult for a student to see the cause of a matter; but it’s not that it is impossible. When he calms his mind and evaluates things with Dafa, he will be able to see the essence of the matter.”
So, what was the essence of the conflict between my son and me? Master said to use Dafa to measure it. Master has taught so many principles, but which ones should I use to measure the situation I was facing? I still didn’t know.
Later, I thought I should keep it simple and use Truthfulness, Compassion, and Forbearance to measure the situation. When I did this, the way I communicated with my son and our relationship changed significantly. Not only did conflicts decrease in daily life, but when conflicts did arise, we could think about the issues from the Fa’s perspective and rationally examine, analyse, and resolve them. My son jokingly said: “We haven’t argued in a long time; it seems like we don’t even have it in us to argue.”
Part One: Measuring by Truthfulness — Communicating Honestly with My Son
First, speaking the truth.
When communicating with my son, I hadn’t sincerely explained that the reason I lectured him so much was that I was worried about his moral character. As a result, my son felt that repeating principles he already knew wasn’t helpful in resolving issues. Later, when I expressed my genuine concerns on several occasions, he understood and told me that he would also look inward and remember Master’s words when encountering problems. He reassured me that I didn’t need to worry. Our communication became kind and harmonious.
Second, truly trusting Master.
Can I truly entrust everything to Master? The part of me that understands the Fa certainly can, but when I encounter problems, I can’t always immediately measure them using the Fa principles. Instead, I worry that my son might have this or that problem.
In Zhuan Falun, Master said,
“I would say that this is your wishful thinking. You are unable to interfere with the lives of others, and neither can you control others’ fates, including those of your wife, sons, daughters, parents, or brothers. Can you decide those things?”
My son is a cultivator, and naturally, Master is watching over him. The attachments he needs to cultivate away will be arranged for him to overcome through the necessary trials. He will also understand the Fa principles at his current level through Fa study. So what do I have to worry about?
When I see that my son has problems, I kindly offer my suggestions. How much he understands and what he chooses to do are part of his cultivation process. Once I understood this, I realised that when I felt the need to guide my son, I should simply offer kind suggestions. Reminding him is my responsibility as a mother, but how he acts is up to him. If he needs my advice, I will honestly express my thoughts. We can share our understandings of Fa principles, but I will not force him to do what I say.
Once, when it was time for us to go to a group Fa study session, I reminded my son to prepare to leave. He said he wanted to study at home that day. Upon hearing this, my heart was stirred, and I said to him: “You always forget to study when you’re at home, and you never study when you’re not at the group study session.”
He became angry and said: ”When have I ever not studied?” I could tell he was upset and distrustful, and his tone wasn’t very good. I didn’t immediately realise that I was treating my assumptions as facts, but thankfully, I didn’t get angry. I simply said: “It’s up to you. But you sounded so mean.”
On the way to the study session, I reflected on my exaggerated words, my lack of trust in my son, and my failure to consider whether he had his reasons. However, I felt it was right to point out his loud and unpleasant tone. Whether or not he could attend the group study was a hurdle he needed to overcome. I simply needed to look within for my own problems.
Towards the end of the study session, I was surprised to see my son arrive. He said he had reflected on himself and realised that his tone towards me had been bad and that he shouldn’t have behaved that way. He also felt that he shouldn’t miss the study session. He had estimated that by the time he arrived, we would have almost finished reading. But he felt that whether he could make it in time was one thing, while making the effort to attend was another. So he took the train there by himself.
This was his cultivation process. Everyone is on their own path of cultivation, and what we need to do is remind each other, help each other, and improve together.
Part Two: Measuring by Compassion — Cultivating Compassion Through Understanding My Son
When I sense that my son is suffering and try to communicate with him, he often tells me that he knows I mean well and that what I say makes sense, but it doesn’t help him resolve his troubles or problems. Instead, talking to me makes him uncomfortable, adds to his worries, and leaves him feeling misunderstood.
This is because I tend to discuss the issue itself, analyse right and wrong, and teach him how to do things my way, believing that this will solve the problem. I was even confused. I thought I was wholeheartedly trying to help him, so why did he feel that I didn’t understand him?
He became unwilling to talk to me about his problems. Despite this, he continued trying to communicate with me in different ways, analysing my thought processes and trying to find a suitable way for us to interact. This helped to some extent, but it didn’t resolve the fundamental problem between us.
I wanted to change this situation, so I carefully recalled what my son had told me about the various challenges he had faced. I closed my eyes and imagined his helplessness, pain, confusion, and bewilderment. Suddenly, I felt sorry for him. He had endured so much. I could even vividly sense those feelings and visualise them in my mind.
In a dream, Master also gave me hints about the hardships my son had faced. In the dream, my son emerged from a dark place wearing a cloak, surrounded by a large crowd welcoming him and calling out, “Hero, Hero!” As he drew closer, I realised that he was covered in cracks. He was someone who had painstakingly pieced his broken body together, piece by piece, in the darkness to create a whole new self.
Reflecting on what he had told me before, I realised that I had hardly considered the difficulties he had encountered, the torment they had caused him, whether these experiences had triggered emotional distress, or his anxieties and motivations.
I began to focus on him as a person rather than on the course or outcome of events, and I gradually came to understand his words, actions, and emotions more deeply. I think this understanding is a kind of “compassion” at a certain level.
My concern is now more about his well-being and what he needs. If he needs quiet, I can remain silent without feeling that I must do something to help him. If he needs my advice, I can offer what I believe to be the best advice based on my knowledge, but it is only advice. I won’t demand that he accept or follow it. If he makes a decision, as long as it doesn’t violate laws or moral principles, I won’t worry, even if his decision isn’t perfect. I know that children need to learn from their mistakes and experience the ever-changing nature of reality.
This kind of compassion doesn’t involve “me”, “what I have to do”, “what I hope for”, or “what I want to gain”.
Part Three: Measuring by Forbearance — Shifting from Self-Centered to Consideration for Others
In the scripture “What is Forbearance?” in Essentials for Further Advancement, Master explains:
“Forbearance is the key to improving one’s xinxing. To endure with anger, grievance, or tears is the forbearance of an everyday person who is attached to his concerns. To endure completely without anger or grievance is the forbearance of a cultivator.”
In the past, when conflicts arose with my son, I felt I had already achieved a great deal through the forbearance of an ordinary person. Sometimes I would think of this teaching, but I couldn’t put it into practice. I didn’t know how to reach the forbearance of a cultivator.
After enduring things with the forbearance of an ordinary person, I would usually experience an even stronger backlash. When conflicts arose again, I would think: “I’ve already endured so many times, and I have looked within for my own problems. If I endure again this time, wouldn’t I be indulging him?”
Thinking this way, all the feelings I had forced myself to endure on previous occasions would erupt, as if they had finally found an outlet, and often more intensely than before. Afterwards, I would regret it, my son would find me untrustworthy, and my emotions would become unstable.
The reason I could only practise the forbearance of an ordinary person was my selfishness. At the time, I might have endured something to avoid the problem, prevent conflict, end things quickly, or because I looked down on the other person and didn’t want to stoop to their level.
In short, my motives were impure. Because I was enduring with a particular purpose in mind, I couldn’t hold back when that purpose wasn’t achieved. I even felt deeply wronged about what I had previously endured.
In Hong Yin III, in the poem “Who is Right and Who is Wrong”, Master said, “He is right, I am wrong, what’s to dispute?”
When I felt wronged, I would repeatedly recite this, but the feeling of being wronged still didn’t disappear. I had to force myself to follow Master’s words. This was an external use of the Fa’s power to control myself. It had some effect, but I didn’t feel that I was truly assimilating to the Fa, and it was very difficult to maintain.
I wondered why Master said “he is right”. If the other person was indeed wrong, how should I understand that he was right? One day, I suddenly understood that from the other person’s perspective — their xinxing, their level, and their understanding of the Fa — their actions were indeed right from their point of view.
My mistake was failing to understand the other person’s needs and feelings, instead focusing more on myself. That was selfishness. Without this attachment to self, I wouldn’t have dwelt on my own grievances and therefore wouldn’t have felt resentment.
Now, when conflicts arise, I can remember the word “altruism”. This helps me transcend my own self-interest and makes my thoughts simpler, without ulterior motives, wishing only the best for the other person.
Reaching this point in my relationship with my son has indeed been difficult. I am grateful to Master for watching over us throughout these four or five years, giving me so much time and so many opportunities, repeatedly enlightening me, and patiently waiting for me to improve.
I am grateful to my son for constantly trying to communicate with me and giving me great encouragement after I made changes. I am grateful to other practitioners for patiently listening to my troubles and sharing the Fa principles with me to help me improve. I am also grateful to myself for maintaining my desire to improve and for having a genuine aspiration to cultivate.
Through this experience, I have realised that I also need to change the way I interact with other practitioners. I will guide my words and actions according to the principles of Truthfulness, Compassion, and Forbearance, and genuinely improve myself in the Fa.
My personal level is limited. If there is anything inappropriate, please kindly point it out.
Thank you, compassionate and great Master!
Thank you, fellow practitioners!