Greetings Master, greetings fellow practitioners.
尊敬的师父好！同修们好！
My name is Gray I am 29 years old and a practitioner from the UK. I would like to share about a few experiences I have had over the last couple of years, and realisations I have had about righteous thoughts and lessons I have learnt from thinking too much with a human mindset.
我来自英国，名叫格雷，今年29岁。我想跟同修交流一下过去几年里的一些修炼体会，以及我对正念的体悟，还有在用人心思考问题而栽跟斗的经历中所吸取的教训。
I obtained the Fa in London in 2008, when I was 22. Before I began cultivation in Dafa I had been practising meditation for about 4 years, and during that period of time I looked into different religions including Christianity and Buddhism. I first began practicing meditation when I was around 18 and I had several experiences with my third eye, and energy fields. These experiences compelled and intrigued me until I began cultivation practice in early 2008.
我于2008年在伦敦得法，时年22岁。在我修炼大法前，我已经学习了4年的禅坐。在那期间，我研习了不同的宗教，包括基督教和佛教。18岁左右时，我开始学习禅坐，在天目和能量场方面有一些体会。这些体会让我着迷，直到2008年初开始修炼大法。
I remember the first time I read some Buddhist texts I was with a friend, and I read the term ‘cultivator’ for the first time. After a little bit of reading I decided to do some meditation, and after a little while I saw a scene in another dimension. This was in a cosmic setting, and I saw an enlightened being appear in front of me. They were standing with their arms outstretched in a clear round energy field. They looked at me and said: “A cultivator cultivates their own world.” Then in front of their legs a small earth like world appeared.
我记得第一次读佛经时是跟一位朋友在一起，那时我第一次读到“修炼人”这个名词。读了一会后我就决定打坐，过了一会我看到了另外空间的景象。我看到在宇宙中，觉者出现在我眼前。他们在一个圆形的能量场里，伸展手臂站在那里。他们看着我说：“一位修炼人修炼自己的世界。”然后在他们跟前出现一个类似世界的小地球。
I was a little surprised and slightly moved by this experience and after a short while I opened my eyes and exclaimed to my friend: “I know what a cultivator is!” It was not until after I began practicing Falun Dafa, that I understood the true significance of that experience.
我感到有点惊奇和受触动，过了一会我睁开眼睛，向我的朋友大声说：“我知道修炼人是什么了。”但是直到修炼大法后，我才理解了那次体会的真正意义。
Around this time, I was also promoted to my first management position when I was 19, working in retail as a deputy manager. Although I did not always enjoy this job, the role helped give me confidence and develop tendencies and skills which I have drawn upon many times since obtaining the Fa.
大约就在这个时间，我19岁时，我首次被提拔到管理职位上，担任一名零售副经理。尽管我有时不太喜欢这份工作，但这个职位帮助增加了我的自信，从中学习到的技能，在我得法之后也多次被用到。
I began working for Epoch Times in the UK in 2011, and had lots of opportunities to learn, look inside and help progress EET towards better financial stability and having a greater impact in the UK. When I look back I remember some things went well, while some things were more challenging. One of the biggest challenges I faced was being the only western practitioner in the UK trying to work full time for EET. Of course I was not alone, and worked quite closely with the DJY sales team in the Epoch Times Office. At the beginning things went reasonably well, and in my third month EET had a breakthrough – this was the first time in the UK EET had broken even financially for one month.
我从2011年起开始为英国的大纪元工作，有很多机会去学习、向内找和帮助推动英文大纪元在财政上获得稳定，并扩大其在英国的影响力。当我回顾过去，我记得有些事進展顺利，有些事情则令人难以应付。其中我面临的最大挑战之一是我是唯一一个在英国全职做英文大纪元的西人学员。当然我并不是孤军奋战，而是与大纪元办公室的中文销售团队一起密切合作。起初事情進展相当好，在我工作的第三个月里，英国的英文大纪元有了突破–在财政上第一次实现月收支打平。
Being in an environment surrounded by Chinese practitioners taught me a lot about compassion – within a short space period of time, my understanding of party culture and the effect this has had on people changed drastically. This is not to suggest that the DJY office environment was full of these elements – however the environment at times was very tense and posed unique challenges. When I started working in the office I had envisioned a really harmonious environment, the reality was more than a bit different.
处在一个周围都是华人同修的环境里教给我什么是“善”–在很短的时间内，我对党文化及其对人的影响的理解发生了彻底的改变。这不是说大纪元办公室的环境充满了这些因素–然而这个环境有时很紧张，带来特别的挑战。当我开始在办公室上班时，我曾设想这是一个很和谐的环境。现实并非如此。
At the time I tried my best to help the office environment and practitioners, and I discovered some long standing tribulations that had existed for almost 10 years. There were some particular frictions and situations that led to some Chinese practitioners confiding in me. They shared that they felt demoralised, hopeless and some practitioners that had worked there for many years even shared that they wanted to leave. At the same time, there were also some barriers between the main coordinators of EET and DJY.
那时我尽我所能帮助改善办公室环境和帮助同修，并发现一些存在了近10年的魔难。由于一些特殊的摩擦及状况，一些华人同修向我吐露心声，他们说感到士气低落和无助，一些在那工作了很多年的同修甚至说想离开。同时，在英文大纪元和中文大纪元的主要协调人之间存在着一些障碍。
Being the only westerner in the office, I also shared quite extensively with western practitioners in the UK, about understandings of how to help to try change the situation. During this period, I felt I was being righteous and doing things for the right reasons. But I allowed myself to get more and more drawn into distractions that increasingly took my focus away from actually focusing on doing sales. I often felt like I was in the middle between Westerners and Chinese and could not understand why there was so much conflict. Some of the situations led to a feeling and sense of being in the middle of an immense cosmic battle, and one I started to feel I could not do anything about. This culminated in the main EET coordinator standing down, because of the conflicts.
作为办公室里的唯一一名西人学员，我与英国的西人同修進行了大量的交流，看如何帮助改变这一状况。在这期间，我感到自己正念很强，处事合理。然而，我却越来越分心，没有将精力集中在销售上。我经常感到处在西人和华人同修的中间，无法理解为何他们之间会有如此多的矛盾。一些情形让我感到自己在一场巨大的宇宙之战的中心，我开始感到自己对此无能为力。最终英文大纪元的主要协调人因矛盾而辞职。
I have realised, that while many of the scenarios and situations had tangible reasons behind them and brought to head some things which have now fundamentally changed – ultimately I did not handle things with pure enough righteous thoughts. I allowed myself to think far too much with a human mindset, and I was caught up in with what I thought was superficially right and wrong.
我体悟到虽然很多事情背后有其实际的原因，有的现在已经发生根本的改变，但归根结底是我没有用足够纯净的正念来处理事情，我用人心想得太多，陷入自己认为的表面的对与错之中。
I would like to share a quote from Zhuan Falun Lecture Six:
“As a practitioner, if you always think that it is an illness, you are actually asking for it. If you ask for an illness, it will come inside your body. As a practitioner, your xinxing level should be high. You should not always worry that it is an illness, for this fear of illness is an attachment and it can bring you trouble just the same. In cultivation practice one needs to eliminate karma, and that is painful. How can one increase gong comfortably? How can one otherwise remove one’s attachments?”
在此我想分享《转法轮》第六讲里的一段法：
“炼功人你老认为它是病，实际上你就是求了，你求得病，那病就能压進去。作为一个炼功人心性就应该高。你不要老害怕是病，怕是病也是执著心，同样会给你带来麻烦。修炼中要消业，消业就痛苦，哪有舒舒服服的长功的！要不你的执著心怎么去呢？”
I found my situation quite similar to this; because I was not earnestly trying to remove my attachments and take things lightly I created a gap where I was actually inviting the tribulations. Because I was thinking with too much of a human mindset, in my heart I sought comfort and simplicity and as such the environment became tense and difficult.
我发现我自己情况与此类似，因为我没有努力去去除自己的执着，掉以轻心而因此有漏，实际在招来魔难。因为我用太多的人心思考，心里在追求安逸和简单，因此环境变得紧张和困难。
The process also revealed attachments to myself and my ego, and how these attachments can manifest when I put myself before my responsibility of saving sentient beings. Writing this sharing has given me the opportunity to look inside and realise a lot of my fundamental attachments come from myself.
这个过程也暴露了我对自我的执着，当我将自我放在救度众生的责任之前时，这些执着就显现出来了。写这篇交流稿让我有机会向内找、并认识到自己的很多根本执着来自于自我。
Just after I started working for Epoch Times, I got married and began a new chapter of my life as a married man. Because of strong attachments to myself, I found it difficult to let go of attachments to lust and desire and this contributed to another tense environment at home. This was completely avoidable – here I had longed for harmony and settling down, and what I got was frictions and upheaval.
就在我开始为英文大纪元工作之后，我结婚了，翻开了生活的新的篇章。由于强烈的执着自我，我发觉很难去掉对色欲的执着，而这使得我的家庭环境变得紧张。这个完全是可以避免的。我期望着和谐和安定，而我得到的却是摩擦和动荡。
This attachment to myself, and how I like to do things is deep rooted. Because I worked in management from a young age, I became quite used to doing things my way. While helping to build confidence, it also built up a dependency on me doing things. This can have its strengths, and at different times has allowed me to help pro-actively in coordination roles with Hongs Fa and projects including Shen Yun, EET and the Art Project.
这种对自我和自己做事方式的执着根深蒂固。因为我从很年轻时就担任管理工作，我习惯以自己的方式做事。虽然有助于增强我的自信，但是我行我素的执着也在滋生。虽然这有其好处，使得我在洪法、推广神韵、做英文大纪元和真善忍美展时主动帮助進行协调，
While often, without realising it I have put my things ahead of others. I have found being attached to doing things my way is actually a reflection of not truly trusting the Fa. This I have realised is a manifestation of being focused on personal rather Fa Rectification cultivation where saving sentient beings is key.
但是我却常常将自己摆在他人之前，而自己却意识不到。我发现执着于我行我素实际反映的是我并不是真正相信大法。我意识到这是专注于个人，而不是正法修炼。在正法修炼中，救度众生是关键。
After I left Epoch Times in 2012, after just under 1 year I felt like I had failed. On the surface I appeared complimentary towards the situation and practitioners, however I held on to stubborn attachments and feelings of resentment. I went through a period of time, where I did not go to Fa Study as often and stepped back from some projects.
不到一年，我在2012年离开大纪元，我感到自己是个失败者。表面上我和同修相处的很好，其实我坚持自己顽固的执着和怨恨感。在一段时间里，我不太经常去学法，也停止参加一些项目。
During this time, I really struggled to look within and let go of these attachments and it caused me a lot of xinxing problems. Master said in Zhaun Falun “Every test or every tribulation is related to the matter of either progression or regression in cultivation" – during this time, I believe I was getting worse rather than forging ahead.
在这期间，我确实难以向内找，去除这些执着，这给我带来了很多心性问题。师父在《转法轮》里说“每一关、每一难都存在修上去或掉下来的问题。”在那段时间里，我相信自己是不進反退。
When Shen Yun promotions started again later that year, I felt I needed to catch up, remember my responsibilities and start being more pro-active again. However, my mindset was not pure and I had not learnt the recent lessons I needed to learn.
同一年，当神韵推广再次开始的时候，我感到需要迎头赶上，记起了自己的责任，再次精進。然而，我的心态并不纯正，没有从近期的事情中吸取教训。
As Shen Yun promotions began, I became more and more involved at a coordination level- at one stage I was directly or indirectly coordinating 7 to 8 different teams. At the time I was working full time, I had sonant meetings nearly every night while trying to join the morning Fa Study sonant as much as I could. I felt like I never had enough time, and for a while, it was normal to only sleep around 4 hours a day, sometimes more and sometimes less. This I think would have been manageable, however I never felt like I had enough time and got into a routine where I could only manage 1 or 2 exercises at a time and did not do enough Fa Study.
当神韵推广开始的时候，我越来越多的参与协调工作，曾一度直接或间接协调7、8个不同的小组。那时我是全力投入，几乎每晚在sonant上都有会议，同时尽力参加早上在sonant的学法。我感到时间永远不够用，一度通常每天仅睡大约4个小时，时多时少，我觉得自己能应付得了。然而，我从未觉的时间够用，并时常一次只能炼一两套功法，学法也不够。
Because my routine was not strong enough and I had not eliminated some of my notions, I had formed a gap and sensed this was being exploited. During a couple of promotions, I noticed there were conflicts among practitioners, and at times the environment did not feel right. I felt more pressure than I had in previous years and started to doubt my abilities as a coordinator.
因为如此，我没有清除自己的一些观念，因此有漏而被钻了空子。在几次推广活动中，我注意到了同修之间的矛盾，有时感到那个场不正。我感到了比之前更大的压力，开始怀疑自己作为协调人的能力。
An incident also happened which weighed heavily on my heart. I failed to correctly update a spread-sheet, for a one day event that I had organised in connection with a trade show. I had arranged for a small team to go to the event on the wrong day. The mistake was realised on the evening of the actual event, when finalising all materials. Normally I would pride myself on being very-organised, and this is something that had never happened before when helping coordinate projects.
同时发生的一件事情也给我带来沉重的打击。我有一次忘了更新一份表格，这份表格是关于我组织的与贸易展览会相关的一次活动，我安排了一个小组前去参加这项活动，但把日期搞错了。直到活动進行的那晚，在整理材料时，我们才发现这个错误。我一直以为自己做事井然有序，并以此为傲。这是我自帮助协调项目以来第一次发生这样的事情。
I was really shocked that this could happen, and immediately realised this was my fault and did not know what to do. I contacted the event organisers the next day to apologise, but felt very uneasy about the situation. Over the next week or two, I thought about this situation a lot and realised this was my gap and loophole. I blamed myself and my cultivation state. This was again a manifestation of human thinking with a human mindset – I was unable to see this was an opportunity to strengthen my righteous thoughts and make a breakthrough.
这一事件的发生让我感到非常吃惊，立即意识到这是我的失误，不知如何是好。第二天我联系了活动组织者向他们道歉，但还是感到非常不安。在接下来的一两周里，我对这件事情思考良久，体悟到这是自己的漏洞。我责怪自己和自己的修炼状态。其实这同样是用人心在思考问题，看不到这是加强正念、突破自我的机会。
I had reached a state where I doubted my cultivation state and my abilities as a coordinator. In early 2013, I wrote an email to the main Shen Yun and FXH coordinators – asking to step down from my role. On the surface, this superficially appeared as though it was the right thing to do, but I have realised this was a manifestation of my mindset and unwillingness to face the situation with righteous thoughts.
我陷入了怀疑自己修炼状态及自己担当协调人能力的状况之中。2013年初，我写了封邮件给神韵和佛学会的主要协调人，提出不再担任协调人。表面上看来这是我应该做的，但我体悟到这是人心的表现，我不愿意用正念去面对问题。
That decision led me on a path, where I lost my confidence, with feelings of depression and a sense of un-worthiness. These feelings led me to stop wanting to be around practitioners and eventually for a few months stop practicing altogether. This was the toughest period of my cultivation journey so far, where at times I felt really low and I slacked off with my behaviour and conduct – at times quite drastically.
这一决定使我丧失了自信，感到抑郁和无用。这些感觉使我不想与同修在一起，最终有几个月没有跟他们在一起学法炼功。这是我修炼路上迄今经历的最艰难时期，有时我真的感到很消沉，在修炼上变得懈怠，有时很糟糕。
I never felt like I wanted to quit, however I did not feel like I had the strength, courage or conviction to carry on. At times over the past few years, some of the processes I have been through have been very unnecessary, and I have stagnated a lot. I would like to apologise to Master, for not grasping the opportunities provided to me as a Dafa Dizi.
我从未想过放弃修炼，但我感到缺乏力量、勇气或坚定的信念在修炼路上走下去。在过去几年里，有时我经历的一些过程是很没必要的，我停滞了很久。我想向师尊道歉，我没有抓住作为大法弟子被赋予的机遇。
Master said in the 2014 New York Fa Teaching on World Falun Dafa Day:
"What Master is most concerned about is that at present a number of you have become not diligent. When the persecution first began you were full of vigor, and you turned around that entire situation. But as circumstances have eased up, you have instead slackened. Cultivation… There’s a saying, and it’s one I’ve shared with you before: “Cultivate with the heart you once had, and success is certain.” The reason many people didn’t succeed in their cultivation was because they weren’t able to make it through over the long haul. They might have felt lonely or bored, or they might have become so familiar with something or have grown so accustomed to something that they didn’t want to do it anymore. Anything can cause a person to become lax. So you should continue to be diligent. In the past, there would be sudden tests for cultivators even at the very last step. If you grew increasingly lax, you certainly wouldn’t be able to pass that test."
师父在2014年《世界法轮大法日讲法》中说：“师父最担心的就是，目前有一部份人变的不精進了。迫害当初大家劲很足，把整个形势都扭转过来了。随着环境的宽松，你反而松懈了。修炼哪，有一句话，过去我也跟你们讲过，‘修炼如初，必成。’很多人修炼不成，就是在时间的消耗中他走不过来。寂寞，无聊，对一件事情已经熟悉的不想再动了，或者是已经变的习以为常了。什么事情都会使人变的懈怠。你不断的精進。过去修炼人到了最后那一步还要考验你一下子，如果越来越懈怠，那一步考验肯定过不去。”
I feel Master has continually encouraged me to cultivate with the heart I once had and I realise I must do better in recognising these chances. Last year, after picking myself up and coming back to the UK group environment I had the opportunity to go and work in the New York EET office for a few months. This was a great experience, in a fantastic cultivation environment which allowed me to stabilize a good routine and focus again on wholeheartedly saving sentient beings.
我感到师父不断的在鼓励我用“初心”修炼，我体悟到必须更好的认识到这些机会。去年，我振作起来，回到了英国的集体修炼环境，并有机会去纽约英文大纪元工作了几个月。这是一次很好的经历，那儿是一个很好的修炼环境，稳定了我的学法修炼，使我再次专注于全身心的去救度众生。
While in New York, the first time I joined the morning Fa Study group in the office, during FZN I again felt Masters great compassion and merciful encouragement towards me. Towards the end of FZN, I saw a large group of practitioners in another dimension, all sitting on lotus flowers with their palms erect, and after seeing this for a short while I saw another scene in the clouds. Here I saw a heavenly army, standing in the clouds with golden armour facing off against a dark energy field.
在纽约第一次去办公室参加上午的集体学法时，在发正念的时候，我再次感到师父的慈悲和鼓励。在发正念快结束时，我看到另外空间有一大群同修，都立掌端坐在莲花上。然后我又看到了云中的另一景象，这次我看到一群穿着金色铠甲的天兵天将，站在云中与一个黑暗的能量场对决。
I took this as a hint from Master, to keep going and to catch up with Fa Rectification cultivation. I know I must do better and focus on doing the 3 things with a purer state of being.
我觉得这是师父在点化我，继续努力，跟上正法進程。我知道我必须做得更好，以更纯净的心态专注做好三件事。
Writing this sharing has been very helpful, and a great opportunity to look inside. My realisations are however, limited by my level and understanding. If you have noticed anything inappropriate, please compassionately point it out.
写这篇交流稿对我很有助益，也是向内找的极好机会。但我的体悟受层次所限，如有不足之处，请慈悲指正。
I would like to thank Master for the compassion, support and guidance I have constantly been shown and thank practitioners for listening today.
Thank you.
谢谢师父的慈悲、帮助和引导！谢谢！