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去除争斗心无条件向内找 Abandon Competitive Mentality, Unconditionally Look Within
去除争斗心无条件向内找 Abandon Competitive Mentality, Unconditionally Look Within

PM08: GP Deng – Sydney

慈悲伟大的师父好,各位同修好!
Greetings Master, greetings fellow practitioners!

修炼很多年了,很多方面觉得很常人,想起来很惭愧。去年去美国参加法會,遇到有一位在国内99年前就认识的、出国十几年的同修,我当时在一件事情上和太太闹矛盾,她看到后,直言不讳地对我说,我就是因为你当初做的好,遇事总是向内找,让我感动,我才修炼大法,如果象你现在这种状态,我就不会修大法。
I have been practising Falun Dafa for many years, but still have strong human notions in many ways, which make me feel ashamed. I attended the US Fahui last year, and met a fellow practitioner who I knew prior to 1999 in China, and who had left China over ten years ago. She saw my wife and I having an argument, and then bluntly said to me: “I was moved by your good side, of always looking inwards in the first place, so I stepped into Dafa practice. But if then you were like your conditions now, I would not practise Dafa.”


我当时嘴上不说什么,心里有些不服气。但是她的话一直让我回味,我到底出什么问题,为什么她会这么看我?我是否向内找一直很差。
I kept quiet, but was somewhat unconvinced. I recollected her words, what is wrong with me, what made her to look at me this way? Have I been doing very poorly in looking within?


我回想起被非法关到劳教所期间,我的争斗心明显起来了。那种环境下,人的思想没有片刻停留的被邪恶灌输邪恶的物质,在另外空间里邪恶密不透风的向我思想里压来,开始时我为了和警察或包夹讲道理,不得不同意看邪恶的宣传东西,每次看完就觉得在被污染,后来我意识到,邪恶并不是真的会和你讲道理,是迫害手段,我这样做等于上了邪恶的圈套,为了不消极的对待这种无理的洗脑,以后对于所有邪恶宣传全部不接受,竭力抵制和排斥,虽然理性上顶住了,但是以后争斗心也起来了。出了劳教所,在大陆常人工作生活环境,这种争斗心一直没有很好去除。
I recalled when I was detained in a labour camp in China, my competitive mentality came out. In that environment, the evil substance was continuously instilled into my mind, as well as pressed into my thoughts in other dimensions. In order to explain the truth to the police and supervising prisoners, I had to agree to watch the evil propaganda, and every time I felt being contaminated. Then I realized, the evil did not really listen to my reasoning, it was one of their persecution means, and I fell into the evil trap when I followed their way. So I rejected all evil propaganda and unreasonable brainwashing, and tried to resist and repel. Although I withstood rationally, my competitive mentality emerged. I did not discard it well in ordinary society after I came out of the labour camp. 


在党文化生活中,中国大陆人都彼此不服气,相互斗已经是常态了,江鬼统治时代尤其严重。我也觉得常人很可怜,感觉自己还不错,其实在我修炼大法前,就觉得人应该象西方人那样,思想简单和真诚。所以我自认为我没有什么党文化,
The mainland Chinese are affected by the CCP culture, hence became unsatisfied with each other, and used to fight with others. It was particularly severe during Jiang’s ruling period. I felt sorry for the ordinary people, and thought I was doing well. Even before I became a practitioner, I realized that we should be simple and sincere like Westerners. So I never thought I had CCP culture.  


出国以后,我感受到西方同修和台湾同修那种平静心态差距,和他们一接触,在一些具体的事情处理和心态表现上,就能看到自己的问题,我不得不说:自己真有党文化。比如说话时,觉得对方不对而且很不合自己的想法,会用很重的语气指责对方;对方讲自己不对,自己不认可时,我就不能静下来想想自己到底有什么问题,第一个反应就是马上要讲个对错。
After I came out of China, I had contact with Western and Taiwanese practitioners, and experienced their peaceful mindset. I could see my shortcomings and problems in behaviour and mindset. I had to admit: I do have the CCP culture. For example, when I felt others were wrong or not aligned with my ideas, I accused them with heavy tone; when others pointed out my problem that I did not recognize, I could not calm down to check inwards, and immediately rejected what was said.


这几年在项目中也时不时会和同修有摩擦,矛盾过后,我也会反思,我觉得自己也在变化,在努力改变自己,但是过后有了比较大的冲突时,又会把握不住。
I occasionally had conflicts with fellow practitioners in the project team. I would reflect on myself, and strive to improve. I felt I was changing, but when I came across bigger conflicts, I could not handle them well.


去年6月份我加入大纪元记者行列,开始很顺利,自我感觉也不错,但最近二个月突然矛盾出现。这情况正如师父在《转法轮》第四讲(P139)中讲到:“突然间怎么这么多麻烦事来了呢?怎么什么都不好了,人家对他也不好了,领导也看不上他了,家里头环境搞的很紧张。怎么会突然出来这么多矛盾呢?。”一段时间协调人对我意见很大,对我写的文章很不满,我在电话里面和她争执起来。后来发现协调人对我不再象以前那样客气,而是一脸严肃,虽然没有直说什么,但是感觉到她就在说:你做的不好,很差劲,我不满意。后来我太太告诉我,人家说你眼高手低,做不了实事。我听了很不舒服。
I joined the reporter team of the Epoch Times in June 2013. It was very smooth in the beginning. I felt I did well, however conflicts occurred in recent months. Just like Master said in “Upgrading Xinxing” in Lecture Four of Zhuan Falun:
“Why are there suddenly so many problems? Everything goes wrong. People mistreat him, and his boss also does not favour him. Even the situation at home becomes very tense. Why are there so many problems all of a sudden?” 
The coordinator had opinions about me and was dissatisfied with my articles. I began to argue with her on the phone. Later on, I found she was also no longer nice to me, her face was serious, she said nothing, but I felt she was saying: you are not doing well, very poor performance, I am dissatisfied. Then my wife told me: others said you had unrealistic expectations that could not be put it into practice. I was very uncomfortable upon hearing that.


这件事我也向内找,先找到自己身上是有一些问题,但是思想中就是控制不住自己的去想别人,心想:我做错了,也不应该这么对我啊。想想我这样也不对,自己思路又回到从自己身上找问题,想想自己错在哪里,过一会儿心里又不是滋味,又觉得对方应该如何如何和我说,那么这个问题就解决了,彼此也能理解了,多好啊。
I looked inwards, and found some of my problems, but I was unable to control my mind of blaming others: You should not treat me this way even if I was wrong. Then I said to myself, I should focus on looking for my problems, not others. But after a while I began to blame others again: if you spoke to me like this, there would be no problem.


还有,以前时不时会有协调人打电话给我:你能不能出去采访一下啊?我觉得自己还是能为大纪元出一些力。而在我过这次心性关的时候,几个星期中没有一个这样的电话,也没有人和我讨论大纪元的任何事情。不过,我又想现在大纪元已经有了全职记者,而我做兼职,英文又不是那么好,有的采访我也做不了,所以也不象以前那么需要我了。想来想去,觉得自己已经被边缘化了,一种被抛弃的感觉,加上矛盾中想不过来,我想到自己是否应该离开大纪元。是啊,我也许是下一个离开大纪元的人,多少心里不是滋味。
The coordinator used to call me from time to time and say, ‘can you do this interview?’ I felt I made some contribution to the Epoch Times. However during the xinxing test this time, I received no call for several weeks. Nobody rang me to discuss anything about the Epoch Times. I thought - there are full time reporters, I am only part-time with limited English, I am unable to handle certain interview, so I am not so in demand as before. I had a feeling of being abandoned and I could not come out of the contradictions. I wondered if it was the time for me to leave the Epoch Times. Yeah, I might be the next person to leave. I did not like that feeling.

难道我就这样离开大纪元吗?冷静的想想,大纪元并不是记者多余,还是很缺,许多机会是我自己并不去把握或主动出击寻找机会,那么这个时候我怎么能说想离开就离开呢?协调人也没有说不要我了。往深入去想,感到自己还是没有从根本上认识自身存在的问题,我修炼中到底出了什么问题,为什么别人对我这样?我不能陷在谁对谁错的矛盾中找答案,修炼中没有一件偶然的事情。我下决心非得悟明白,不能让这次机会失去。
Do I just leave the Epoch Times like this? I thought it over calmly. The Epoch Times does not have a surplus of reporters, and is very short of reporters. I did not grasp the opportunities, or take the initiative to look for opportunities. How can I leave at my will? The coordinator did not tell me to leave. I thought about it deeply. I did not realize my fundamental problems in cultivation. What is my problem that made others to treat me this way? I should not search for answers among right and wrong on the surface. Nothing is accidental in cultivation. I decided to improve my enlightenment, and not let this opportunity slip away.

想起刚刚看完师父《对澳洲学员讲法》,师父当时说的有几句话对我印象很深,我想首先要把向外看别人的眼光收回来,只看自己。于是我不断让师父的声音在我心里重复,“向内找找,遇到问题向内找。”师父的声音、表情我都能感受到,我不断重复又重复,一直重复,慢慢感到脑子清醒一些,正念也足了,我再看看自己到底怎么回事。
I had just watched Master’s Lecture to Australian Dafa Practitioners, and some words from Master imprinted in my mind quite strongly. I said to myself, I have to stop looking at others, but only look at myself as Master told me. I could feel Master’s voice and facial expression. I repeated the Fa again and again, and gradually felt my mind was more clear, with sufficient righteous thoughts. I then again checked myself.

我前面一段时间向内找也做了,但是是有条件的,我一边是承认错误,一边又在怨对方:你这样处理也是不对,你抓住我不好的地方不放,等等等等,说到底,我所做的向内找,都是带有条件的,我希望对方符合我的想法来指出我的不对,被批评时也想舒服一些,这成了我向内找的先决条件。师父告诉我们的是无条件的向内找,平时挺明白的,但是一到考验时候,一有了人心被触动的时候,就忘了师父的法。
When I checked within previously, it was conditional. I admitted my mistake while blaming others: you are wrong in the dealing with this, you do not let go of my shortcomings, etc. I found all I did was conditional. I wanted others to comply with my idea when pointing out my mistake and  wanted to feel comfortable when I was criticised. These were prerequisites for my ‘looking inward’. Master told us to unconditionally look inward. I understood when I read it, but forgot it when my human notions were touched and tested.

这次矛盾中我还发现我很爱面子,不能被人说,特别知道别人背后议论我,会特别不高兴,认为对方为什么不当面和我讲,我自认为我心胸很大,当面和我讲什么都可以。我带着这种心理,时间长了就和对我有看法的同修产生隔阂,表面还维持着一种礼貌,心里见到对方无形中就有一种自我保护的警觉,也不爱和对方说话,而和我合得来的同修的话就多一些。其实爱面子和争斗心是一体的,都是为了保护自己不受伤害,都是必须去掉的人心。
From this conflict, I realized that I was too proud, could not bear other’s judgement, and was very unhappy when others talked about me. I thought I had an open and broad mind. Why couldn’t they speak to me face to face? I was holding onto this mentality for a long time, and a gap emerged between practitioners who had opinions about me. I maintained the politeness on the surface, but virtually had a kind of self-protection awareness, and did not want to talk to people who I dislike. In fact, feeling too proud and the competitive mentality are connected. I found they are to protect oneself from harm and are human notions that must be discarded.

我记得2013年5月份在纽约看到神韵小弟子交流的录像时,其中给我印象最深的就是小弟子之间相处时,他们之间没有分别心,什么和谁关系近一点,和谁远一点,他们没有,而且他们也非常注意不产生这种不良的环境,我感到那是非常慈悲的场,人的思想在这种慈悲场中都会被融化,我对《转法轮》(P205)里面的话有了更深的体悟:“对谁也一样,对父母、对儿女都好,处处考虑别人,这个心就不是自私的了,都是慈善之心,是慈悲。”我想,我这种一见对我有意见的同修就会保持距离,不就是分别心,一种自我保护的私心在起作用吗?
When I watched the video on stories of New York Shen Yun young disciples in May 2013, I was most impressed by how well they get along. Everyone is equal and treated the same way and they paid high attention on not forming small groups. I felt the field was so compassionate, that it could melt human notions. It made me have a deeper understanding of Master’s words in Zhuan Falun: “We must be good to our parents and children and be considerate of others in all respects. Such a heart is thus unselfish, and it is a heart of kindness and benevolence.” (from “Demonic Interference From One’s Own Mind”, Lecture Six, Zhuan Falun). I had kept away from practitioners who had opinions on me - wasn’t this selfishness of self-protection?

我问我自己,我什么时候能做到没有分别心,对谁都一样呢?尤其目前救度众生的关键时期,这种和同修维持表面的礼貌,心里却有层层间隔,尽管我几乎利用所有业余时间参与正法项目,我以为我很付出,但旧势力会利用我的心来间隔我们大法弟子的整体,使更多众生失去救度的机会,我这种心不去会有多么危险和可怕啊!我在这里向师父汇报说:我今后一定把自己心胸放大,一定要对周围所有人的慈悲、谦虚、要欣赏对方长处,打破隐藏在心里和同修所有间隔。
I asked myself, when can I be good to everyone? In the current critical period of saving sentient beings, it is so dangerous to have the gap to other practitioners, but maintain the politeness on the surface. Although I spend nearly all my spare time to participate in Dafa projects, I thought I made a good contribution. But the old forces would use my attachments to create gaps among practitioners’ one body, and cause loss to the salvation of sentient beings. I am here to promise Master: I will surely broaden my heart and mind, be compassionate to all people, be humble and appreciate other’s strengths, and break up all my hidden gaps to practitioners.

古人的谦虚和党文化中的争斗是相对立的。我想起古人把谦虚这个美德看得很重,人和人见面相互作揖,是对对方尊重;有了成绩对方夸奖时,古人总是说自己还很差劲,需要学习和改進。而在党文化的宣传教育中,这些都成为繁琐的过时的甚至是虚伪的礼节,而且我又受到现代西方强调个性独立的影响,更会把古人谦虚的美德看的不合时宜。现在时代虽变,古人那种外在礼节不能再使用。但是中国传统文化是有内涵的,礼节本身包含深厚文化,我们不能效仿外在作揖的形式,但是自己心里就要懂得谦虚的重要,那不仅仅是礼节,需要首先把自我放下,尊重对方,见了对方心里就应该作揖,而不是见面后谁都不服谁那种党文化的表现,对方指出自己不足,就应该感激对方,不管讲的对与错,要诚心谢谢对方,即使被冤枉,也不能有任何不满的心,而是感谢对方再一次提醒自己,能使我以后不犯这个错误。
The modesty of the ancient people is opposite to the CCP’s struggle. Ancient Chinese paid high importance on the virtues of modesty, people bowed to each other to show respect; when they received compliments, they would answer: I am doing very poorly, I must keep learning and improving. However these have become obsolete and even tedious hypocritical etiquette under the CCP propaganda education. I also think the ancient modesty is outdated, under the western cultural influence of emphasizing independent personality. Though times have changed, external etiquette of the ancients can no longer be used. However the traditional Chinese culture has rich connotations. The etiquette itself contains profound culture. We can’t follow the external form of bowing, but we must understand the importance of modesty. That is not just a courtesy, but a respect to each other from the heart. When others point out my deficiencies, I should be grateful and thankful regardless of whether he/she is right or wrong. Even if I am innocent, I can’t have any dissatisfaction, but thank others for reminding me again, so I won’t make the same mistake. 

我这么想了后,觉得心胸开阔,神清气爽,对做大纪元记者那种消极和离开的想法也烟消云散。这时,我打开邮箱正好有一个邮件,我觉得是一个采访的机会,后来报道写好了,发到新闻组邮箱。
After I had these thoughts, I felt open-minded and exhilarated as my negative thoughts of leaving the reporter team also vanished. Then I opened my mailbox, there was an email about an interview opportunity. I attended and sent my report to the newsgroup email.

过二天我给协调同修打电话,我说你那天批评我很对,谢谢你,以后有什么问题再告诉我,她也很高兴,告诉我,你的那篇采访做的很好,并愿意花时间帮我修改。文章经过同修细心修改后,周末登了出来。我回想起来,就是因为当时修炼上有了一点小突破,师父就给了我这样一个很好的采访机会。可是如果这一步没有走过来,我还是陷入在自我之中,修炼上没有突破,记者工作也做不下去,和同修隔阂也加重,可能心里还在愤愤不平埋怨呢,真是天地之别。
I rang the coordinator several days later, I said: you were right to criticize me, thank you, and please tell me if there is any problem in the future. She was very happy, told me that I did a good interview, and she was happy to spend time on polishing my article. The article was published at the weekend edition after her careful polish. I think Master gave me such a good interview opportunity after I had a small breakthrough in my cultivation. If I could not pass the test and get out of my mindset, I wouldn’t have been able to continue the reporting task and get rid of the gaps towards fellow practitioners, who might also have blamed me and felt anger towards me. The results are totally the opposite. 

我要感谢慈悲伟大的师尊无时无刻的关怀,我这次遇到的矛盾也是师父为了弟子的提高安排的,我也非常感谢曾经向我提出意见的同修,也向所有曾经被我伤害过同修表示歉意,我一定好好改、好好修。在最后的救度众生中,和大家配合好,破除旧势力阻挡,完成我们的誓约。
I would like to thank merciful Master for caring for me at all times, and for arranging the conflicts for me to improve. I am grateful to practitioners who made suggestions to me, and I apologize to those who were hurt by me. I will surely change for the better and be a good practitioner, cooperate well with others, get rid of the old forces blockage, and complete our vows in saving people.


以上是我的一点修炼体会,不足之处请同修慈悲指正。
These are some of my cultivation experiences, please point out if there is any inadequacies.
谢谢师尊,谢谢同修!
Thank you Master, thank you fellow practitioners!


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