The choice of life or death, our path is becoming narrower
Greetings fellow practitioners!
In the past year, I overcame a tribulation of life and death. I have put much thought into this and decided I should share this experience.
started my cultivation, it really did feel like my whole life was turned upside
down. I was living in
Then I got married and had kids. At the start of my cultivation, I was very focussed and diligent. I did a lot of Hongfa activities. I studied and exercised all the time. Even when I was quite pregnant with my ﬁrst child, I was actively involved with Hongfa. When my son was only four weeks old, I would put him in a baby pouch and go to speak to MPs with other practitioners. I was immersed in the Fa. I found I was always in a good state… until I had my second child. For me, that is when things started to become really difﬁcult. There was a distinct difference in my cultivation after my second child. I really struggled to keep up. Fa study, exercises and Hongfa started to slip. In my heart, I knew I would always be a Dafa disciple and that I would never stop practising, because to me, it was the meaning of life. It explained everything. It was the reason I was alive. I have always known that clearly.
But as time went by and I became busy with my children, ever so slowly I became less diligent. I got into a state of going thru the motions of life and just kind of feeling a bit numb. I felt like I was missing something, like I was empty. Then, after a while, the sickness karma started. For the last few years, I would get sickness karma on and off, usually in the form of a chest infection. It would get so bad that I couldn’t stop coughing for months at a time. One time, I coughed so much I cracked a rib. I always thought it was a stick warning for me to be more diligent. So, for a time, I would become more focused and truly be more diligent. This allowed me to come out of that empty, almost depressive state. I would feel alive again. But as time went on, everyday life started to interfere again and I would slowly become less diligent once more. I seemed to follow this pattern frequently.
Also, I have always struggled to commit to a particular Hongfa activity because of my work. I work as a ﬂight attendant, so I have to do shift work and never work on the same day each week. This makes it impossible to commit to a particular activity that needs to be done on a certain day. I also work many weekends, so when I have a weekend off, I feel like I should spend time with my family. I found I hardly ever had the time to attend big group Fa study on the weekends. This made me feel more and more separated from the body of practitioners.
As the sickness karma came and went, I started to accept it and would just go to bed until it passed. I did not think too much about it and just treated it as karma that I had to endure. I never took it too seriously. As I found out, accepting it was wrong! Very wrong! In October last year, I started to get a sore throat. The ﬁrst couple of days, I just went to bed hoping it would pass. It didn’t. It got worse until the right side of my throat started to close up. I couldn’t talk or eat properly. My mum had to move in to look after my children and me, as my husband had to work. Mum had to start pureeing my food so that I could swallow it. I was losing weight fast and I didn’t have that much weight to lose. I would read and try to do the exercises, but standing for any length of time was hard – I got really tired. So I just did the short version of the exercises. I started sending righteous thoughts all the time, trying to eliminate what was happening. But nothing seemed to work. I kept thinking that maybe I wasn’t a very diligent practitioner and that was why this was happening. I tried in vain to work out what I was not enlightening to. I knew I had to enlighten to something, but just couldn’t work out what.
My husband and my Mum were getting worried, and I was getting worried. On top of all that, every day that I took off work, I was required to have a doctor’s certiﬁcate to say I was unﬁt for duty. So I had to go to the doctor and get my certiﬁcate, and I would then throw the prescription for antibiotics in the bin.
I just kept getting worse. I started getting teary and thought that I had tried everything, and nothing was working. I felt helpless. I decided I needed to ask for help from other practitioners. I called a friend to come over. She was amazing! She organised a group of practitioners to come to my house that night. They all read and sent forth righteous thoughts with me for hours. I don’t usually see visions, but during the righteous thoughts that night, I saw a claw-like hand going into my throat and we were able to eliminate it with righteous thoughts. It turned to ashes and fell to the ground. During the time the practitioners were there, my throat started to go back to normal and I was able to swallow better, and my reading became clearer. I was still really weak, but so much better. I felt amazing. I thanked them so much and thought I was on the mend. By the end of the night, my throat had almost returned to normal. I thought I had reached my limit and it was now turning around. I was elated.
However... the next morning, the other side of my throat started to swell. I couldn’t believe it. My friend offered to come back again and I found myself just waiting for her to come. She came and read with me and sent forth righteous thoughts, but this time, I failed to get any better. I realised I had put my hope in other practitioners instead of in myself. This was not the answer. Over the next week, I got seriously worse. The previous week, I thought I had reached the limit of my forbearance, but I was very wrong!
I was now in so much pain. It was the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life. I mean, at least child birth was over in a day. I didn’t want to eat anything. I was in tears just trying to swallow some pureed apple. I couldn’t sleep because the little opening left in my throat would completely close as my muscles relaxed. I would wake instantly, gasping for breath. No one could understand me when I tried to speak. My Mum got tough with me and tried to make me eat. I would cry and she would almost shout: “How do you think the practitioners in jail feel when they are getting tortured? You just have a sore throat; stop complaining and swallow.” So I would then get some food down.
But I still continued to get worse. I thought I had done everything I was supposed to; I had been sending righteous thoughts non-stop. I had asked Master for help, I had been looking inside trying to enlighten to what I was meant to. But I still had trouble with how I should be sending righteous thoughts. Some part of me still didn’t know if this was just karma or whether I should eliminate it. I felt like I had tried everything and was at my wits end. I felt hopeless.
At different stages, I thought about using natural remedies and natural medicine, like colloidal silver, a natural antibiotic. I very quickly realised that taking natural remedies was just the same as taking medicine from the doctor. It was treating it like an illness of an ordinary person. This was not an illness and that was not the answer. Though one minute I would be clear, the next I wouldn’t be. At one stage, when I was so tired and all I wanted to do was sleep, but couldn’t, my husband suggested I take some Voltaren, an anti-inflammatory. Apparently, it is meant to help with swelling. I took it. I did get to sleep, but not for long. I woke up with such a fright. It was the most horrible feeling. I can’t even adequately describe it. I woke completely wet from sweet, gasping for breath and not knowing what was going on. To say I felt like I had been poisoned is an understatement. I felt so bad for having put that stuff into my body. It made me feel disgusting. I felt like all the good things had left. I decided that I would never, ever put any form of medication in my body again.
As I wasn’t getting any better, I couldn’t spend any time with my children because I had no energy and I couldn’t talk. I was feeling like a really bad mother. I started to think: “What if I don’t make it? What will happen to my kids? I don’t want to pass away! I don’t want my kids to go through losing their mother!” I started thinking: “If I wasn’t a practitioner, I would just go to the doctor and he could ﬁx it. It is so much easier to be an everyday person. Maybe I am just not cut out to be a practitioner.” By this time, my throat had become so bad that I now couldn’t even swallow water. It would just come out of my nose... and I was so skinny.
No one told me at the time, but my daughter started waking up during the night crying. My husband would go in and she would be sleep talking. She would sit up in bed and point and say: “Mummy’s dying” My husband got really freaked out. He told me afterwards that he kept thinking that I might pass away as well. Then he would quickly get that thought out of his head.
I had come to a place where I couldn’t endure anything anymore. That afternoon, it had been organised for a small group of practitioners to over to read and send forth righteous thoughts with me again. I started to think that it would be useless anyway. I also had to go to the doctor before they came to get another doctor’s certiﬁcate for work. I could barely walk by this point, so my husband took me to the doctor. I knew when he saw me he would know I hadn’t taken the antibiotics previously prescribed. I knew he would want to send me to the hospital. I couldn’t even swallow. I was spitting my saliva into a tissue instead of swallowing.
When I went in to the doctor, he said: “I will give you an injection in your throat now.” I said: “No!!!” I was so repulsed by the idea of medicine. He said: “You need to go straight to the emergency room. That thing will not go down by itself. They will admit you, put you on an intravenous drip of antibiotics and they will have to drain your throat.” He wrote me a referral letter to fast track me through the process. We left saying we would go straight there. I was starting to accept the idea... I started to think that for the sake of my family, I couldn’t just let them watch me die here. I couldn’t do that to my children. I couldn’t take any more.
We came home to pack a few things for the hospital. Funnily enough, my husband didn’t help me. This was strange, because he helps me with everything. He would do anything for me. But he didn’t want to help pack for the hospital. He said: “Don’t you want to wait and read with the practitioners ﬁrst?”
When they arrived, I was a mess. I just started crying. They started sending righteous thoughts. I cried all the way through. They did another set of righteous thoughts and I cried all the way through those, as well. They started a third set and I calmed down and joined in. It was the most powerful righteous thoughts I have ever done. I saw myself sitting in the universe in the FZN position and there was this immense wall of dust and debris. It went on and on forever, as far as inﬁnity in every direction. It encompassed everything. It was rolling towards me and pulling me down. I suddenly thought NO! I don’t want to go down there... and instantly I came back up.
When I ﬁnished my righteous thoughts, my entire being seemed to have changed. I just knew to the very core of my being that I was a Fa-rectiﬁcation period Dafa disciple and nothing was going to interfere with me. This was the pure righteous thought that I was lacking. It was the all-powerful force of that pure thought and knowing that I was a powerful being, and that nothing could interfere with me. I was just so determined that I hadn’t ﬁnished my journey as a mother, a wife and a Fa-rectiﬁcation period Dafa disciple yet. I wasn’t ﬁnished saving sentient beings. That was what I was here for, so how dare I be persecuted like this. I was just so sure that I was a Fa-rectiﬁcation period Dafa disciple and I was not going to follow the arrangement of the old forces. It was only at that moment that I ever really understood the power of my own righteous thoughts.
After that, I did the full set of the ﬁrst four exercises with the practitioners and really broke through something. Needless to say, I didn’t go to the hospital that night and my throat went completely down. I went from the doctor wanting to send me to the ER, to my throat just going down. My body still needed to eliminate some things though. My Mum made me chicken soup, which I had been craving, but after I had it, I threw it up everywhere. I felt good though; I just knew I had broken through something.
The next day, I got Mum to take me to big group Fa study so I could be around all the practitioners. I was so weak, but it was good to be there. I went to bed that night and woke up needing to vomit again. When I started to vomit, I started vomiting blood. I vomited quite a lot. I didn’t want to tell my husband, but thought maybe I should tell my Mum. She told me not to worry and go back to bed. This was actually the start of my recovery.
I never could have gotten through this without the support of my family, especially my Mum and the group of practitioners. Ultimately, I had to enlighten to what I needed to, but they supported me and didn’t judge me. They didn’t tell me that I should be doing this or that. They listened and helped answer all my questions. They helped me probe into all the things I was unclear on. They were just there for me. The righteous power of the Fa, their righteousness supported me to enlighten to what I was meant to... and I thank Master for waking me up, as I was asleep.
next couple of days, I started to study for the level one Shen Yun test. I
threw myself into Dafa and doors just seemed to open. I got a phone call to ask
if I could help organise Shen Yun displays in
Also, when the 8-minute organ harvesting clip came out, I felt so passionate about it that I decided my Federal and State MPs must watch it. I ﬁgured the only way they would watch it would be to make them watch it with me. So I went to make an appointment to see my Federal MP. The office needed a little persuasion to make the appointment. I just wouldn’t take no for an answer and they eventually made the appointment. It went really well and we continued to discuss afterwards for quite some time. My MP was visibly moved while watching. I then did the same with my State MP, who was also incredibly moved.
Recently, another practitioner and I wanted to give the book State Organs to our MP and to Peter Beattie, who had just been announced to challenge for the seat of Forde in our electorate. We gave the book to our MP when we ran into him at fair where we had a Dafa stand. A couple of days later, we received information where Peter Beattie was going to be. I decided he wouldn’t read the book unless he saw the 8-minute organ harvesting clip ﬁrst. So, determined again, we went to the place where he was campaigning and introduced ourselves as Dafa practitioners. I said that I had an 8-minute clip I really wanted him to watch. He said OK.
Then the interference started. It was too noisy with the trafﬁc for him to hear it clearly. I knew this was not right; he had to watch this with full attention. I paused it and said we needed to move to the back of the car park where it was quiet so he could watch it properly. That’s when a whole lot of people turned up whom he had to speak to. His Diary Manager told me that I would have to email it through. I just kept saying NO! I had in my mind that this was righteous and it had to be done now. I said: “He needs to watch this with me and I will wait.” The Diary Manager said he had another appointment and wouldn’t have time. I said: “It’s 8 minutes and I will wait until he is ready”. Then people left and he came over to the back of the car park with us and watched the entire clip uninterrupted. We then gave him the book State Organs.
stayed to speak to me brieﬂy and said that she used to lecture, and one
of her students was a doctor from
To sum it all up, when we are righteous and have righteous thoughts, doors open. Thank you Master for giving me another chance with this massive tribulation and wake-up call, as I would not have enlightened to all that I have if I hadn’t gone through this tribulation and found the power of my righteous thoughts. If I had just gone along with what was happening to my body, I would not be here today and I would not be able to save more sentient beings.
Having said all this, I also believe that this tribulation would not have happened to me if I had been more diligent in the first place, if I had been walking the path that I was meant to. I was getting lost and Master gave me another chance to catch up. I believe now that our paths are getting narrower and narrower. I must continue to remind myself of all of this, as it is still so easy for everyday life to creep in if I allow it. We are all such powerful, righteous, Fa-rectiﬁcation period Dafa disciples. I truly think that we must not forget who we are and we must understand the power of what we do, and what we came here to do.
Thank you Master.
Thank you everyone.