点点滴滴中去掉抱怨心

Removing my complaining mentality bit by bit

Steve Xu

尊敬的师父,各位同修好:
相当长的一段时间了,我意识到我有很强的争斗心和抱怨心。这个争斗心和抱怨心时不时地会表现出来,有时表现的还很突出。有时,好象不直截了当地表现出来,但也以其它的形式表现着、存在着。

Greetings venerable Master, greetings fellow practitioners.

For a long time, I have been conscious of my strong competitive and critical mentality. These attachments show up frequently, and are at times obvious. In other moments, they are subtler, yet still manifest in other forms.

 

我发现我很乐于发表自己的见解,而且经常会顶撞别人,反驳别人。别人每提出一个主意、一个设想,或者安排一项任务时,我总是在极短的时间内首先用自己的标准也好、观念也好、去衡量一番。而结果是赞同、佩服的时候少,否定、排斥的时候多。有时甚至吹毛求疵,即使总体上觉得还可以,也要在小的方面找到一点什么东西在心里计较计较。

I find that I like to vocalise my own opinions, and frequently contradict and refute others. With each idea, suggestion or plan put forth by someone else, my first thought is to judge it using my own standard or notion, which often leads to negation or dispute rather than agreement or admiration. At times, I’m excessively picky; even if the bigger idea is acceptable, I need to find some small detail to pick at.

 

我还意识到,在我质疑别人时,与人辩论时,甚至在自己独立表达时,话说的往往很不好,不论说话的内容、措辞,还是说话的语气、态度,经常是带着刺的,具有攻击性的。粗声大气,急嘴急舌,带着很强的那么一种东西在表现自我,非要说明我所说的是对的,或者我的出发点是对的。带着显示心和争斗心。我很羡慕有些人能够不紧不慢地有条不紊地把自己想说的东西表达出来,但我好象很难做到。说话时很少是平静的、和善的、不急不躁的。

I have also realised that when arguing with others, or even when presenting my own ideas, it often comes across as abrupt. The words or the content, or the tone or attitude with which I speak, are often barbed or belligerent. I will talk loudly or rapidly, with a strong sense of proving my points, with the mentality of showing off or competitiveness. I envy those people who can express their thoughts in an unhurried, organised manner, as it’s rare for me to be able to speak calmly, peacefully, and patiently.

 

争斗心其实由来已久。总爱争个对错,辩个是非,即使是在无关紧要的小事上,闲谈时也是如此。这个争斗心的形成,与从小接受党文化的灌输关系很大。在读了《九评共产党》和《解体党文化》之后,更加清晰地认识到了这一点。所以一直在提醒自己在这方面注意。但一次又一次地意识到又没做好。

My competitive mentality has a long history. I’ve always liked to argue over even trivial matters, even in general chatting. Such a competitive mentality is closely related to the CCP culture instilled in our minds since childhood. After reading the “Nine Commentaries on the Communist Party” and the “Disintegration of the Party Culture”, this became crystal clear. So I have been trying to remind myself to pay attention in this regard, but often fail to do so.

 

比如最近有一次,在两天之内,先后与两个人讲话,从对方的反应来看,都明显感觉到我所说的让他们不舒服。一个是天国乐团里的一个同修连续几次没来排练,我见了她就说,“你为什么总不来排练?你还想不想吹了?你应该重视乐团啊!”她直截了当地说我:“你的话怎么那么冲啊?我没有不重视啊。”可以感觉到,我的话让她不舒服。

Just to give a recent example: within a 2-day period, I spoke with two people, and from what I observed, they didn’t feel comfortable afterwards. The first was a conversation with a fellow practitioner from the Celestial Band who had not turned up to band practice several times in a row, and I asked: “Why do you always miss practice? Do you still want to be in the band? You should pay more attention to the band.” She answered bluntly: “Why are you so aggressive? I do pay attention to it.” I could feel that my words made her uncomfortable.

 

第二个人的情况是这样的。因为我得知一次星期六去参加大学法时,当地一开车的同修为了让他也能一起乘车去学法,导致已经坐在车上的人等了很长时间。我给他打电话说:你以后可以约好时间来搭我的车,或者搭一个住的离你近的另一个同修的车。他给我解释说,那天的情况比较特殊,平时是不需要耽误那车人的时间的。而且他说,他还是要去搭那辆车,因为那个同修“好说话”。而且在交谈过程中,他虽然没有明说,但我还是可以感受到,我说的话,令他不舒服。

As for the second person: a fellow practitioner wanted to carpool with us to the Saturday Fa study, but his delay caused people already in the car to wait a long time. I called him and said: “In the future, you might want to fix a time for me to pick you up, or hitch a ride with someone who lives closer to you.” He explained it was a special case that day and on other days he wouldn’t have needed to delay others. He said in the future he would get a lift with the other practitioner because he was “easier to talk to”. During the conversation, I could sense that I had again made him uncomfortable.

 

在两个人身上都体现出来同样的结果,而且那两天之内似乎还有另一个人也与我交谈过,结果也类似。我的话让别人觉得不中听,让人不舒服。这让我也感到不舒服。我想,我是好意啊,这都不是为了我。为什么结果会这样呢。

There was an identical result with two different people, and a third person in those two days had a similar conversation with me. My words were difficult to swallow, and made others uncomfortable, and this in turn made me uncomfortable. I thought: “I spoke with good intentions, and none of it was for my own gain, so why did it turn out like that?”

 

紧接着,我就想,我是修炼人,我得向内找。越不舒服的时候,越是要看自己的时候。在不止一个人身上都反映出了同样的结果,问题肯定出在我这里。我的话真的说的对吗?说的好吗?答案是否定的。那么我就不必感到不舒服了。这是好事,这是让我看到自己的问题。我经常有说话不顾及别人感受的问题,这不又来了。虽然我的出发点并不是为了自己,但说话的时候,还不是把自己认为的东西硬强加给人吗?我考虑他们的感受了吗?我询问、关心他们的具体情况了吗?我做到了善吗?这下就明白了。我的话中带着很强的自我,带着很强的争斗心和责备的心。我要引以为戒。而且,其中一人不经意间还提到另一个同修“好说话”,这不就是人家善的体现吗?我在这方面显然还差不少。

Immediately, I thought: “As a practitioner, I need to look inward. The more uncomfortable I feel, the more I need to dig inward.” Since this happened on multiple occasions, I knew the problem was with me. For example, was I really correct? Did I say it well? The answer was no. So I didn’t need to feel uncomfortable. It was a good thing, as it allowed me to see the issues I had. I know that I often talk in such a way that disregards other people’s feelings. Even if my original intent was not for myself, hadn’t I forced my ideas onto others through the way I spoke? Did I put any thought into how they would feel? Did I ask about or care about their situation? Had I done it with compassion? After considering it, I understood that my words contained a strong sense of self, and strong competitive and critical mentalities. These were lessons for me to learn. Furthermore, one of them mentioned that another practitioner was “easier to talk to”. Wasn’t this a reflection of their compassion? Clearly, I was still lacking in this regard.

 

与显示心、争斗心密切相连的是抱怨心。这个抱怨之心也是伴随我多时了。客观环境不称心时,一件事情的发展不符合自己的期望时,别人与自己的想法、做法不一致时,看到别人有问题时——当然,或许别人真有问题,但多数情况下是自己认为人有问题——在这种情况下,抱怨心就出来了。经常第一念就是“怎么搞成这样?”,“是谁干的?”这有时会表现出来,导致他人的不快,团队内的不和谐,从来起不到什么好的作用。有时不表现出来,藏在心里,搞的自己情绪不佳,倾向于负面思维,不象一个修炼人的状态。

Closely related to showing off and a competitive mentality is a critical mentality, which has also accompanied me for quite a while. When the situation is not how I want it to be, or when things do not develop as envisioned, or when others do not agree with my way of thinking or working, or when I see the short-comings in others – of course, they may exist, but in many cases it’s due only to my assumptions – then my critical mentality arises. “How did it turn out like this?”, “Who did this?” The expression of such a mentality would create unhappiness for others and disrupt team harmony, never leaving good results. Sometimes I don’t express it and hide it in my heart. This Keeping creates unhappiness for me and a negative attitude that is not in line with a cultivator’s state.

 

这个抱怨心,我认识到一定要去。去年元旦这天,我与孩子说,“我们应该有一个新年决心书”。这种新年决心书是小孩们在一年开始时常写的,老师和家长鼓励写。因为我的孩子早已不是小孩了,所有她以为我仅仅是在开玩笑,就说“没必要”。但是我说“我有一个”,“我是认真的”,“那就是:不抱怨”。从那以后,我就特别注意,不断提醒自己,而且,经常把一些计算机用的密码用“不抱怨”之类的词来充当。由于在这方面注意了,所以有了一些改善。但我发现,从那个决心至今已经一年多了,我的抱怨心并没有完全去掉。只是好了一些。我还要继续注意去掉它。不让这种心出现。一旦出现,赶快拟制它,灭掉它。

I knew I needed to remove this complaining mentality. At the beginning of last year, I said to my child: “We should make a New Year’s resolution”. Such New Year’s resolutions are often written by children at the beginning of a year under the encouragement of parents and teachers. My daughter was no longer a child, so she thought I was joking, and replied: “There’s no need”. But I told her: “I have one, I am serious.” It is “no complaining”. Since then, I have paid particular attention to reminding myself of it, such as using “no complaints” for the password in my computers. Consequently, there has been some improvement, but I realised after more than a year that I still had not removed it fully. It was only slightly better, and I needed to continue to vigilantly stop it from arising, and if it did arise, to swiftly control and extinguish it.

 

最近,到外地去参加集会游行。我们是提前到。另两个同修是当天到。她们事先约好要把行李放到我们的住处之后一起前往集合地点。但在前一天晚上,我们得知集合的时间比原先提前了,她们到了之后,没有太多的时间余地。而且我们住的地方非常难找,即使到了大门口也不一定能找得到里面的去处。她们能否准时到达?能否顺利找到我们的住处?如果不顺利,我们先到的人是按原计划等下去,还是径自去集合?而且她们已经在路上了,也没法与她们再联系。要在过去,在这种情况下,我特别容易生出抱怨心来。那就会这样想,们很重视这次活动,所以提前来了,为的是保证按时参加。可现在为了等你们,不一定能保证的了啦。但是,如今我没有让这样的抱怨心生出来。没有。而且,这一次,整个活动期间,我没有看到同修们的任何不好,过去经常会觉得谁哪方面没修好,谁哪方面让人难以理解。这一次我看到的全是同修们如何好。就拿这两个当天到的同修来说吧,她们在请假不易的情况下,不辞辛苦连夜奔波都要来参加。她们对这件事的重视与用心,是了不起的,是金光闪闪的。我就与同住的同修商量,这个地方不好找,我们第二天一早轮流到街上等她们。而且,我也想,我们都是凭着一颗心来这里参加重要活动的,师父都在管着呢,应该不会出什么问题的。结果,第二天早晨,情况非常地顺利,去等的同修,一来到街上,马上就碰到了刚刚赶来的两位。

Recently, I travelled out of Sydney for a parade. We arrived early, and two practitioners who planned to arrive on the day wanted to drop their luggage in our room before we went to the event together. The day before the event, we got notified that the assembly time had been moved to earlier in the day, not leaving much time to spare, and our accommodation was very hard to find. Could they come on time? Could they find us? If not, should we wait or go without them? In the past, I would have started to criticise them for making us wait or for causing us to be late despite our best efforts to be on time. This time, however, I stopped such thoughts from arising. This time, I didn’t see negative things in others, which had always been my problem in the past. This time, all I saw were their good aspects. I knew it was hard for these two practitioners to get a day off from work, and they had then travelled the whole night in order to join the event. Their value and care for the event was admirable. So I discussed with the practitioner with me that our accommodation was hard to find, so we should take turns on the main street to flag them down. Besides, Master was watching us and there wouldn’t be any problems. In the end, everything went smoothly and the two practitioners arrived as soon as we stepped out to wait for them.

 

在做媒体的翻译校对时,抱怨心也很容易冒出来。看到出现一些不该出现的翻译错误时,看到对内容的取舍有失轻重时,就容易埋怨怎么搞成这样?这么简单的也能搞错?我就提醒自己,不要抱怨,不要让抱怨心生出来。有时抱怨心还是生出来,我就排斥它。我就反过来想,大家都是尽心尽力在做,没什么好抱怨的。而且,如果真的一点问题也不会有,那也就不需要安排人去校对了。

When I do translation proofreading for the media, my critical mentality easily appears. When I see simple translation mistakes, or inappropriate deletion of important content, I complain: “Why is it like that?” “How can such a simple mistake be made?” Then I remind myself not to complain, not to let the critical mentality come. If it does arise, then I push it away. I would turn around and think, everyone is doing their best, there isn’t anything worth criticising. Besides, if mistakes didn’t happen, we wouldn’t need proofreaders.

 

一天晚上,7点多了。接到电话,说有几篇文章还没有校对,问我能不能帮着做一些。这一天,并不是我的班。但是既然有需要,我也就什么也没说,什么也没想。过去类似情况下曾出现过一边干一边气哼哼的情况,埋怨别人没有安排好。如今没有了这样那样的想法。我拿了其中一篇文章,开始校对起来,发现问题不少,于是认认真真地予以修改。花了不短的时间才干完。上网站上发的时候,赫然发现,这篇文章已经被另一个人校对过了。可能是因为我们俩几乎同时着手同一篇文章,谁也没有发现对方也在做。我就想,我花了不短的时间,而且做得很认真,说不定比她校对的好呢。而且,既然已经做完了,尽量别浪费了,我把我的也放上去,写个便条,告诉后面的工序两个校对结果择一而用。再仔细一看,这篇文章已经进入下一个程序了,另一个校对结果已经被采用了。那么我的那么长时间的认真不白费了吗?但是,我没有这么想。有一些预想不到的情况难免会出现。而且另一个人的校对也是花了心血了,肯定也是很好的,不影响后续程序就可以了。我自己在做的过程中一直本着认真负责的态度,这就足够了,以后开头时再仔细一点,尽量避免重复劳动就是了,何必计较自己花了多少时间呢,何必计较自己的工作成果是否被采用呢。

One evening at 7, I was asked if I could help proofread a few articles even though I wasn’t rostered. Since it was a job that needed to be done, I said nothing and thought nothing of it. In the past, I would have been grumpy doing the job, and would have criticised others for not organising things properly. I took an article that happened to have a lot of mistakes and took a lot of effort and time to correct. When I uploaded the checked article, I suddenly saw that it had already been checked by someone else and that it had already progressed onto the next stage. It seemed like all my effort had been in vain – but I didn’t think like that. I understood that unexpected things can happen, and the other proofreader would also have spent their best efforts doing it, and the result was good regardless. I was content that I had put in my best effort doing the proofreading. Next time, I would just check carefully in the beginning to avoid doubling up. It was unnecessary to get bothered about the time lost or that my efforts had not been put to use.

 

我去抱怨心的努力已经见到了一些成效。尽管我清楚,我还有很多的执著心没有去掉,这个抱怨心也没有完全去掉,但起码这一次,我没有让抱怨心生出来。

My efforts in removing my critical mentality have made some progress, though I am aware I still have many attachments to remove, and that this critical mentality is not completely gone, but at least this time, I was able to stop it from arising.

 

谢谢师父!

谢谢同修!

Thank you Master, thank you fellow practitioners.

 

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