改变自身变异 做真修弟子

Rectify Deviation to

Become a Genuine Practitioner

Kathleen Lee

 

尊敬的师父,各位同修:

大家好!

Greetings Revered Master!

Greetings Fellow Practitioners!

 

有段时间几乎每个周末我都会到堪培拉附近的城镇去征集反对活摘器官的签名。虽然辛苦,我的心里很甜,我知道自己在做证实法的事,我在成就师父所要的。移民澳洲时,一位国内曾同修嘱咐我:出国了更要象师父说的那样“以一当十,以一当百”。

For quite some time I went to the towns near Canberra almost every weekend to collect signatures for stopping organ harvesting from living Falun Gong practitioners in China. It was a tiring job but I felt content inside. I knew I was fulfilling what Master wanted. When I was about to leave China for Australia, a fellow practitioner said to me: “When you are overseas, you should be more like how Master said: “One practitioner can do the work of ten or even a hundred.”

 

但好景不长,一天我在办公室收到前夫一封邮件,谴责我极度自私。我不以为然,心想:我为孩子忙里忙外时,你在哪呀?对邮件中提及孩子的一些想法,我似信非信。回家发现唯一的女儿情绪很不稳定。事情看来比我估计的要严重多了,这是怎么了?我自私吗?为了让孩子上最好的公立高中,我刚买下了学区内的房子,准备搬家。我是合同工程师,工作的保障性不如固定工程师,我这样做是为了孩子能受到良好的教育。我在考虑新家客厅的装修能得体大方,将来能成为放映《自由中国》的场所。周末做完征签,我还要做希望之声,两个节目从选材、翻译、播音和录制,就我自己一个人。我反问自己:我自私在哪里?是在忙时不炼功?是妒忌心一直都没去干净?是偶尔累了就多睡?这都不是根子上的问题,问题到底在哪里?

But good days didn’t last long. One day I received an email from my ex-husband who reprimanded me for my “extreme selfishness”. However I just dismissed it. I thought to myself: “When I was busy doing things for my daughter, where were you?” I was suspicious of his plans for my daughter in the email. When I came home, I found my daughter was not emotionally stable. It seemed things were much worse than I expected. What had gone wrong? Was I selfish? In order to let my daughter study in the best public school in Canberra, I bought a new house in the school zone and was preparing to move. I was a contracted engineer and my job was not as stable as a full time employee. It was for the sake of my daughter and to let her have a good education. I was thinking of the renovation of my new house and how to make our sitting room into a suitable venue for showing the Free China film documentary. After finishing signature collecting, I had to help with Sound of Hope radio programs. I had to select materials, do the translation, broadcast and do the recordings all by myself. I asked myself: “In what way was I selfish? Was it because I did not practise the exercises when I was too busy? Was it because I did not completely let go of my jealousy? Was it because I slept a bit too much if I was tired? This was not the fundamental problem. What on earth was the issue then?

 

师父在《二零零九年大纽约国际法会讲法》中说:“讲真相和个人修炼是容在一起的,心态不对,正念不足,就会出问题,因为自己的修炼是根本,而且低层直接迫害大法弟子的乱鬼、邪恶是不叫众生得救的。”师父还在《精进要旨三》的《贺词》一篇写到:“坚定的走好最后的路,学好法,在修好自己的基础上,正念自然就会强,大法弟子应该做的事就一定会做好。”我意识到是自己个人修炼出了问题。

Master said: “Clarifying the truth and personal cultivation are integrated. If someone's state of mind is not right, or if his righteous thoughts are not strong enough, then problems will follow, for your own cultivation is what's fundamental. Remember too that the rotten demons and evil entities of low levels that directly persecute Dafa disciples don't want sentient beings to be saved.” (Fa Teaching at the 2009 Greater New York International Fa Conference) Master also said: “Walk the last steps of your path well and with determination, study the Fa well, and, with a foundation laid by your having cultivated well, your righteous thoughts will naturally grow stronger and you will surely do well with what Dafa disciples are supposed to do.” (“Greetings” May 17, 2009) I realized that something was wrong with my personal cultivation.

 

从小我的家教很严格,我很勤奋,上了很好的大学。虽然有点任性,性子急,但很正统,做事出不了什么大错。从小国内男女各顶半边天的教育,使我内心不承认男女的差别,骨子里争强好胜。我一直认为自己是个非常随和的人,谁要说我好争斗,我不会接受。还有连我自己都意识不到的自命清高,使我有所谓不屑和人争斗的心态。要强的性格虽也有好处,如使我在逆境中不服输,以及我在常人中好学和能吃苦等,这些表面的优点都障碍了我意识到自己的变异,很突出的一点就是以恶治恶,身为女性,却不知如何做一个女人。

My parents had been very strict with me since my childhood. I worked diligently and went to a very good university. Though I was stubborn and easily became impatient, I had traditional values and did not make any serious mistakes. In China we were educated in accordance with the idea that “man and woman could each hold half of the sky.” In my mind I didn’t acknowledge the difference between men and women. I was competitive and aggressive. I thought I was easy going. I would not accept it if people said that I was competitive. I didn’t realize that I was arrogant and had a mindset of: “You are not worthy of competing with me.” My strong character made me unyielding in adversity, able to bear hardships and keen to learn. Yet those superficial attributes prevented me from recognizing my deviations. One prominent example was that I would use the method of “curing evil with evil”. As a woman, I didn’t know how to behave like a woman.

 

从小母亲对待孩子们非常严厉。受中共邪党斗争理论的影响,她对孩子的教育中恶的因素很多。家里门背后有若干根竹竿子,对我不满意的时候,其中的一根就会抽打到我身上。当时很奇怪母亲对自己的孩子怎么能这么下得了手。从我本愿上讲,我痛恨这种以恶的方式来教育人的方法。但不幸的是,我发现我在教育孩子中不自觉也在用恶的方式来纠正她身上我认为不好的东西。应验了师父在《精進要旨》“溶于法中”讲的:“人就象一个容器,装進去什么就是什么。”我在那样的环境中长大,不知不觉中就以那样的方式来处理问题。

My mum was very strict with us. Educated by the CCP’s “political struggle” theory, she had many authoritarian techniques for “educating” children. There were several bamboo rods hung behind the door. If she was not happy with me, she would grab one of the bamboo rods and lash me. At that time I could not understand why my mum could be so cruel to her own children. I hated these unkind methods but unfortunately I used the same method without thinking to educate my own daughter and rectify what I thought was not correct. It was exactly like what Master said: A person is like a container, and he is whatever he contains” (Melt Into the Fa from Essentials for Further Advancement) I grew up in that kind of environment and I automatically adopted the same methods to deal with issues myself.

 

师父在《美国东部法会讲法》中说:“现在人说这个女性越来越解放,个性越来越强,其实你们并不是被善那一面带动的。 我觉的强不体现在人的外表这一方面,你平时就象一个温柔的真正的女人一样,你的能力会使你同样得到你应该得到的一切,不见得你非得表现出来象阳刚、象男人 一样你才能得到。你们懂我说的道理吗?(鼓掌)就说你们是女人,你们一定要象女人一样,善良、温柔,才会得到男人的尊敬和爱。如果你们不能够善良和温柔, 男人看到你们就害怕,(笑)你们就得不到应该得到的爱以至家庭的温暖。”当年读到这时我情不自禁双手合十,感谢师尊让我明白了做人的道理。此后我对当年男友的态度好了很多,不再那么强硬。同学们从我对男友的态度的改变,都觉得我变了。我也打消了和男友分手的念头,毕业后很快就结婚了。但这种改变,只是如洋葱剥掉了薄薄的一层而已。

Master said: “People are saying nowadays that women are becoming more and more liberal and their personalities are getting stronger. In fact, you aren’t being driven by your kind (Shan) side. I don’t think strength is necessarily reflected in a person’s outward expression. If in your daily life you’re like a gentle, true woman, your competence will let you have everything you deserve all the same. You don’t necessarily have to express yourself in tough and manly ways to obtain those things. Do you understand what I’m getting at? (Applause) In other words, if you’re a woman, you must act like one, and be kind and gentle. Only then can you gain respect and love from men. If you aren’t kind and gentle, men will be afraid of you when they see you, (laughter) and you won’t be able to have the love or even the family affection that you’re supposed to have.” (Teaching the Fa at the Eastern U.S. Fa Conference) When I read this Fa at that time, I did heshi to Master. “Thank you Master for helping me understand the principles of how to be a real person.” After that I treated my then boy friend much better and was no longer so harsh. My classmates thought I had improved because they saw I changed my attitude to my boy friend. I no longer wanted to split with him. We got married soon after I graduated from the university. But my change was tiny, as if only one layer of the onion had been peeled off.

 

我在大学读研期间开始学炼法轮功。很快99年迫害开始了。如果没有师父的加持和保护,我想自己早在迫害中被击垮了。自身的业力和修炼的不足使我常是咬着牙面对难关,有时我觉得自己骨子里就是个男的。有的同修也开玩笑,说我的元神是个男的。其实我手上的劲连开个罐头瓶子都费劲。

I started to practise Falun Gong when I was a postgraduate at the university. Soon, the persecution started in 1999. If Master had not protected me and strengthened me, I would have given up because of the persecution. I had to bear the hardships with much effort due to my own karma and cultivation deficiency. Sometimes I thought I was fundamentally a male. Some practitioners also jokingly said that my primordial spirit must be male. Actually I didn’t have much strength at all.

 

在修炼前,我就发现人会有很多面的性格。修炼后我理解是因为人的一生是被安排的,安排中塑造了性格,性格要为今后的各种安排服务,所以人在被动的改变,无法主宰自己的意愿与命运。修炼后我的性情发生了很大的改变。这种改变都是在矛盾的尖锐冲突中进行的。

Before cultivation I had discovered that a person could have many characteristics. After I started to cultivate in Dafa, I came to understand that a person’s life was arranged during which process the characteristics (xinxing) were moulded. Xinxing had to be tempered for the future arrangements. A person was unable to govern his own fate or will. My xinxing was changed greatly after I practised Falun Gong. The changes were completed in the process of severe conflicts.

 

师父在《法轮大法义解》“为长春法轮大法辅导员讲法”中说:“难是人自己造成的,生生世世自己做了一些不好的事情欠下的,就得还。你看你在修炼过程中吃的苦,那都是你自己造成的业力对你的阻挡。但那又是一件好事,我们利用一下,用来提高你的心性,那不是好事吗?可以修成佛又可以成魔,就是这个道理。有业力存在,在迷中才能使你修炼。”

Master said: Tribulations are something people bring upon themselves. People owe debts for the bad things they’ve done lifetime after lifetime, so they have to pay them. Look at the hardships you’ve endured during the process of your cultivation—those are all obstacles for you that are caused by the karma that you’ve accrued yourself. But it’s also a good thing: we use it to improve your xinxing, so isn’t it a good thing? This is why a person can cultivate into a Buddha or a demon. It’s precisely because there’s karma and because you’re in a maze that you can cultivate.” (Explaining the Fa for Falun Dafa Assistants in Changchun, Explaining the Content of Falun Dafa)

 

移民海外后,家庭的变故和新移民生存的艰辛使我变得更加的强硬。突出的一点就是在教育孩子上非常的生硬。我喜欢使用原则,因为原则告诉我什么该做,什么不该做,使我的生活变得简单。或者是设定边际条件,如果怎么样就怎么处理。但事实告诉我原则和设定边际条件是不管用的,自己也没有按照师父要求的慈悲、善良和宽容去处理问题。人类社会是复杂的,人心是复杂的,不能象计算机程序中的选择句,如果YES走流程A,如果NO走流程B

After I came to Australia, I became tougher due to the family issues and hardships I encountered as a new immigrant. I was very rigid when dealing with my child. I liked to use strict rules because the rules would tell me what I should do or shouldn’t do and made life easier for me. Or I would set a boundary. In particular circumstances I would do this and this. As a matter of fact, strict rules and boundaries were not workable. I was not compassionate, kind or tolerant as Master’s required us to be when dealing with problems. The society was complicated and human hearts were sophisticated. It would not work to follow the pattern of the multiple choice questions on computer programs: “if yes, follow A and if no, follow B.”

 

我遇到的一个突出教训是,在亲戚的孩子住进我家前,听说她有撒谎的毛病,我就和她的父母约法三章:撒谎三次,扫地出门。当时我觉得她和我一起,知道修炼的道理就好了。自从她住进我家后,我看撒谎也快三百次了,还带着我女儿看网络动画。最恶劣的时候,我女儿偷偷看了几乎整晚的动画。我若干次下定决心让亲戚的孩子搬出去住,但这孩子搬出去就能变好吗?她的父母也一直求情不同意,甚至动用我的年迈父亲来给我加压。

I learned a hard lesson. Before my relative’s child came and stayed with us, I learned that she had the habit of lying. I set up a rule with her parents that if she lied to me three times she would be kicked out of my home. At that time I thought she would become good after she learned the principles of cultivation when she stayed with me. Since she came to my home, I found she had lied almost three hundred times. I made up my mind several times to let her move out. But on second thoughts, would she become good after she moved out? Her parents had been pleading with me and didn’t agree. They even pleaded with my elderly parents to put pressure on me.

 

有段时间来自工作和家庭的各种压力使我的变得非常急躁,有时向孩子发完火了我才反应过来不该发火。女儿情绪不稳定,要出去找关爱和快乐。有一次在公司会议上我也表现得咄咄逼人。这是我工作十多年从来没有的事,我一向做人低调。我感觉自己的容器到了崩溃的边缘,必须看淡生活的起起伏伏,必须加大心的容量了。听说一个同事在背后对我的评价是:她想怎么做设计就得怎么做,硬的很。这一切积累的矛盾迫使我不得不关上门来静心反思。

For quite some time I was very impatient due to the pressures from my work and family. Sometimes I got angry with my daughter but didn’t realize it. She was emotionally unstable and liked to go out to have fun. One day in a company meeting I behaved aggressively. I never behaved like that before during my ten years there. I was always low-key. I felt I was on the verge of collapse. It was time now for me to treat ups and downs as normal and increase my forbearance. One colleague commented behind my back: “She can do whatever she wants to do. She is tough.” These conflicts forced me to sit down and look inward.

 

慢慢的我看到了自身的变异,自命清高、自以为是,不知如何为人妻,不知如何为人母。我的盲目使我简单的依赖原则,用原则来处理问题,还觉得自己做的挺对。但生活不是数学公式,生生世世的轮回使人、尤其是中国人,都变得非常的复杂。在反反复复管亲戚孩子和女儿的过程中,我反省自己修炼中明知故犯的时候有没有,回答是有。想到师父在对澳洲学员讲法录像中提到的恨铁不成钢的法理,我体会师父苦心度我有多难。

Gradually I found out where I was deviated. I was arrogant and opinionated and didn’t know how to be a good wife or a good mother. I simply relied on rules and used rules to deal with issues. I felt I was completely correct. But life is not a scientific formula. The reincarnation of life after life makes people, especially Chinese people, very complicated. I asked myself if I knowingly did things I shouldn’t have done in the process of educating my daughter and my relative’s child. The answer was “yes”. In the video lecture that Master gave to Australian practitioners, Master mentioned that: “Some people really will leave you disappointed by not fulfilling their potential and not living up to expectations”. I realized how hard it was for Master to save me.

 

我找到了心性问题后,我感觉到自己的变化,女儿的情绪也越来越稳定,对我做证实法的事情更加理解和支持。

After I found out my xinxing problem, I felt that I changed. My daughter became more stable emotionally. She supported and understood me more when I did things to validate the Fa.

 

最近很偶然的机会,我看了一部几十年前的台湾电影,影片中女子温柔但同时也很坚强,说话声不大但有力量,让我看到了一个传统的中华女性形象。我反观自己在党文化多年的渲染下,居然不知如何做一个正常的女性。修炼人对自己的要求是远远高出常人的,扪心自问,做到真修了吗?再往下挖挖,我看到了自己还有得理不饶人的毛病。集体交流时,要觉得那位同修说的不对,我的话总是脱口而出,能给不正的东西市场吗?自己还觉得自己做的对,那一刻我把自己放的多高,把同修放的多低,不顾及对方的感受和接受能力,很不善。

Recently I watched an old Taiwanese film made decades ago. The females were gentle but strong. They spoke softly but powerfully. I came to know how a traditional woman should be. But looking at myself, I even didn’t know how to be a normal lady having been brainwashed by the Party culture for so many years. Practitioners should have a higher standard than the ordinary people. I asked myself if I had truly cultivated myself. Digging deep down, I found it was unforgivable if I always thought I was right. In the group Fa study, if I thought a particular practitioner didn’t say the right thing, I would point it out sharply. “I shouldn’t allow the unrighteous to have a voice,” I thought to myself. I believed I was doing the right thing. At that moment I regarded myself as high up and the other practitioner as being lower. I didn’t consider the practitioner’s feelings and if she/he could accept it. I was not compassionate at all.

 

我庆幸自己有过一段婚姻,使我真实体会到人世无常;我庆幸自己有个孩子,让我学习宽容、体谅和欣赏他人。师父《休斯顿法会讲法》说:“作为修炼人,在个人的修炼中,在个人的认识提高过程中,与你修炼无关的事我不会让你遇到。因为以后你个人修炼提高的路是我精心安排的,不给你们安排不必要的事情。”

I was actually fortunate that I had a marriage which let me experience the transitory nature of things in this life, and that I have a child that let me learn how to be forgiving, caring and appreciative. Master said: As cultivators, you are going about personal cultivation, and so in the process of your improving your understandings, I won’t let you encounter things that have nothing to do with your cultivation. Since your personal path of cultivation and improvement before you have been painstakingly arranged by me, I won’t arrange unnecessary things for you.” (Teaching the Fa at the Conference in Houston)

 

我开始变得平静,不再刻意强调外部的清静;我开始变得平和,得失对我变得不那么重要;我开始变得有点柔和,不那么强硬,很多事情对我不再那么重要了,有些事情人是管不了的。我开始向内使劲,我开始渴望从内心改变自己。这个过程让我感觉到一种真正看淡事情后的轻松,不同于以往用原则来判断事情的勉强。我和孩子相处融洽多了,和同修之间的协调沟通变容易,和中国同事的关系也近多了。关系近了,成了朋友了,讲真相自然容易多了。最近和中国同事一起吃中饭时,一位原来在背后对大法有负面言论的同事居然向另外一位中国同事讲了一句真相,我心中暗暗吃惊和高兴。

I started to become calm, regardless of what was happening in my external surroundings. I started to become peaceful, and gain and loss were no longer significant to me. I started to become gentle and flexible and many things were no longer that important to me. Some things could not be controlled by human beings. I started to look within and wished to change myself from within. I felt relaxed when I was not attached to so many things and didn’t make judgements according to strict rules. I got along well with the children and it was easier for me to co-ordinate with fellow practitioners. I became closer with my Chinese colleagues and we became friends. It was easy for me to clarify the facts to them. At lunch time one day, one of my Chinese colleagues, who was previously negative about Dafa, told the truth about Dafa to another Chinese colleague. I was a bit surprised yet very happy.

 

回过头来看看我自己走过的路,感概如果不是修炼,自己是绝对认识不到自身在党文化下的变异。出国后这几年过的关和难,很好的弥补了自己在国内修炼的不足。回过头看看,我惊讶于自身的变化。借此机会我想谢谢女儿最终同意我将家里的事情拿出来和同修们交流;感谢堪培拉同修对我的包容与理解;更感谢师尊对我修炼的有序安排和在我悟性上不来时对我的苦心点化与等待。庆幸此生修炼,庆幸有机会走在通往神的路上!

Looking back at the journey I had gone through; if I didn’t cultivate I would not have recognized the deviation I had due to being brainwashed by the Party ideology. I encountered many hardships and tribulations after I came here which gave me opportunities to cultivate that I would not have had if I stayed in China. In fact I was quite surprised at the changes that occurred within myself. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank my daughter who finally agreed to let me share my personal experience with you, and to thank Canberra practitioners for their tolerance and understanding. I’d like to thank Master for his arrangement of my cultivation and his compassionate patience and the hints he gave to me when I was struggling with my cultivation. I am very fortunate that I cultivate in Dafa and walk on the path towards Godhood.

 

不当之处敬请慈悲指正。

Please point out anything inappropriate.

 

谢谢师父!

谢谢同修!

Thank you Master!

Thank you fellow practitioners!

 

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