修去怨恨心 大法善解恶缘

尊敬的師父好,

各位同修好:

來到澳洲快5年了,在這5年中,我走過了一段艱辛的修煉歷程。每次澳洲法會,我總是認為自己修的太差勁,不願意寫交流稿。今年,我幾次剛冒出寫稿的打算,就被突然間想起的某一個修煉中的問題讓自己洩了氣:你跟師父的要求差的太遠了!你還算是修煉人?還敢去交流?!……這個念頭一出,就甚麼也不想寫了。後來我反反覆覆的思考:到底要不要寫?到底為誰寫?為甚麼寫?最後我發現,是自己多年來那顆爭強好勝、求名的心在起作用,使我一想寫就先想到跟人比較:看看人家修的多好,寫出來多像樣子,人家做的那麼好才配去交流,我這樣的,師父一直不放棄我已是幸運了等等想法。最後我決定動筆,戰勝那些負面想法,在寫交流稿中再次修正自己。

我這次交流的主題是修去怨恨心。這個怨恨心在我身上由來已久。今生我雖然出生在書香門第,但在中共統治下,家境很差。父親從小修習國畫、武術,後多年在佛教為居士,但始終脾性難改。我從記事起就經歷著父母之間的各種矛盾,長大後依然清晰記得四、五歲時,一個多雲的下午,母親牽著我出門散心,原因是父親嫌湯做的不好把整個桌子掀倒。因我是家中第二個女兒,極盼男孩的父親曾想把我轉送他人,由於朋友的極力阻止我才留下。6歲時父母離異,在我的記憶中,童年是灰色的,陰冷的,充滿了不安和動盪。過早面對人生悲情的我,把苦難的根源歸咎於父親,怨恨心與我如影隨形。從高中開始我變得體弱、易怒,也就是從那時起,我莫名的在日記裡寫道:我本是上帝的女兒,因為犯錯,被送到人間受苦;既如此,我願此生吃盡所有的苦,當我還清所有的罪,就可以返回我天堂的家,再不輪迴……

在父母離異10年又複合後,因急於追求利益,父親被騙,僅有的安身之處被迫賣掉,我當時學業尚未完成。那時的我對父親的怨恨幾乎到了仇恨的地步,身心俱傷。

直到大學四年級時我捧起《轉法輪》,當我看到師父在書中講“我要度不了你,誰也度不了你”,我立即如釋重負;我肯定,這一次我真的可以回家了。那種失落在塵世中流浪的孤苦的感覺再也沒有了。然而,這從小累積的深深怨恨却成了我修煉路上的羈絆,也成了舊勢力妄圖毀掉我的藉口之一。

2007年,我移民澳洲。那時的我,已經經歷過中共迫害下两年半的人間地獄。經歷了信仰的迷失,經歷了走回修煉路之後慈悲的師尊帶我飛速提升的「復元期」,同時,也困在了家庭關裡不得解脫,其中最大的原因,就是怨恨。

來到澳洲,經濟問題變得敏感,對於我先生不肯持續工作,而將生活負擔壓在我肩上的处境,我一邊怨恨,一邊試圖在修煉中走過去。可是,由於太多心思在工作上,學法不入心,這個怨恨經常支配得我像個常人一樣不管不顧,執著於情,執著於要得到人中的安全感和心理平衡。迷迷糊糊的落入危險的情關還不自知,家庭矛盾逐日昇級,三五天就爆發星球大戰,而我仍不能做到實修。執著難斷中,掙扎的滿心傷痕,血淚斑斑。

在這過程中,我先生曾經像舊勢力的代言人一樣質問我,逼迫我,我清醒的知道那都不是他人這一面能說出的話;他失去理智的多次罵大法,罵師父,荒唐的在家裏的牆上貼污衊的字條,兩次狂撕大法經書……這一幕與我在勞教所時見到的驚人相似,這時的我虽身在澳洲的家中却如同在中共的黑窩,我的心甚至比那時更痛十分。舊勢力操控他用毀掉他生命永遠的形式來插手我的修煉,如此極端的手段,太邪惡了!

我不知多少回想過要逃離這個婚姻。但我始終明白,我已經是愧對師尊,若選擇放棄,那就連挽回的機會都失去了。其間,一次夢中一個清楚的聲音指著一個人告訴我,他的名字叫「段譽(斷慾)」,我豁然醒來,明白是師尊慈悲點化。是的,我之前的所有不滿,都是因為人中的各種慾望未得到滿足,不甘心在常人社會的家庭中過苦行僧的日子,本來已經走過一次自毀的彎路,蒙師尊洪恩,回到大法中來,卻還不好好修煉,一次次關不過,招致大難,這就叫做「自作自受」。

我對自己說,那麼大的法,一爐鋼水溶一個木頭屑,我就不信我過不去這個關!舊勢力,你們別想得逞,我一定要挽回這一切,我要對我的眾生負責。這一念如金剛一般堅定。

但真正去面對的過程中,人這一面脆弱的想法仍不時的讓自己產生氣餒的情緒,時常覺得自己一無是處,希望渺茫得讓我幾乎看不到。在我對自己信心嚴重不足,正念微弱的時候,一次集体學法後,同修告訴我,開天目的另一同修看到在我讀法的時候,每讀出一個字,就出現一個圓,圓裡出現層層疊疊的佛道神在隨我同時學法。我從修煉第一天起從未有過任何感覺,從未看到過任何景象。同修的話让我清楚的知道,是師尊在我難以前行的時候借同修之口告訴我:不要灰心,相信師父,相信大法,有無量眾生在等我回家。在這裡,我也想對还在難中的同修說,「弟子正念足,師有回天力(《洪吟-師徒恩》)」我们有如此慈悲伟大的師父,洪大得能正天宇的大法,我們沒有甚麼可憂慮的!所有我们认为在人中的难关都能过去,只要我们真的想过!

在過關中,我終於發現自己的根本執著就是追求美好的生活,因為這一世以來生活中太多的缺憾,人中所謂的才情之下衍生的對生活的美好嚮往全都是可以毀掉修煉人的執著!這裡有慾望,有妒嫉,有爭鬥,甚至有報復的心。這些心加上怨恨,就是我無法從魔難中解脫的原因。

20106月,我應悉尼《看中國》報社之邀從南澳移居悉尼,全職做報紙。我知道,這是師父給我安排的機會,做大法項目推著我走入了修煉的新階段。

剛到悉尼不久,又出現了幾次家庭矛盾,他甚至拿出他出國時買的那種辦公桌上擺放的小國旗(澳洲的和中國的)擺在屋裡,說,你討厭甚麼我就幹甚麼。……這一切使我不止一次生出不想再管他這個生命的念頭。隨著修煉的漸進,他再對著我說對師父和大法不敬的話,我不再那麼動氣了,只是為他的執迷感到深深的惋惜。而那個血旗,成了我的一塊心病,我知道,那會加大他得救的難度,我只有持續的發正念。

終於有一天,我下班回家後,他興奮而神秘的告訴我,他房間的紗窗上開了一簇「花」。優曇婆羅花,是我多次跟他講過的,他總不信。他說他把紗窗卸下來,拍了照片,還取了其中一朵放進一個裝有放大鏡的瓶子裡觀察。他不肯承認這就是神奇的佛花,幾天後告訴我百科全書上說這是甚麼甚麼蟲子。我沒理他。又有一天,他舉著放大鏡瓶子又看起來,對我說,你看,花瓣都可以看到……我哭笑不得。

 

一段時間後,我確認時機成熟,明確提出要他把他桌上的血旗交給我。當時我話一出口,一股從沒感受過的能量使我全身立即熱起來,我知道師父在加持我,鼓勵我。他一聽,樂了,說我其實就拿它當個擺設,那就給你吧,你要燒了它是吧?那這個澳洲的我也不掛了,我收起來。……師父太慈悲了!

 

我在參與2012年悉尼神韻推廣中,得到了我先生的很多支持,在最忙的時候,我曾經有幾個週末早出晚歸,或傍晚回家一下吃點東西再出門,加上做報紙再佔去两個晚上,即使不出門我也在電腦前工作,一個星期也跟他說不上幾句話,更別提做家務,家裡的事我幾乎什麼都不管;他也只是稍微抱怨了幾句就過去了。其實這與我的心有直接的關係:以前我總想怎麼能讓他別干擾我做事,覺得他不出去工作,家務全包是應該的,抱著這樣的心不去,搞得家裡戰火紛飛,經常是裝了滿腦子的負擔咬緊牙關硬撐著出門做事;隨著修煉,我放棄了那些觀念後,平時只要有時間就去做些家務,到忙的時候,他就很自然的全都承擔下來了,根本不需要我要求什麼。

 

以前我心中憤憤不平時,問他為什麼這樣要求我,他說,因為你有信仰,就應該如何如何。我一直認為那是舊勢力在借他的口企圖讓我放棄修煉。當我不知不覺中修去了怨恨心之後,他一次對我說:現在我也不忌恨以前的事了,其實你們也都是人,都不是完美的。

現在,我先生雖然不信大法,思想頑固的那部份還在堅持,有時對我太忙感到不滿,說我「在外面玩」,不顧家等等;但通常情況下都支持我在大法項目中承擔的工作,甚至在我承擔太多,心裏不平衡時還能夠勸解我。我的家庭環境和幾年前相比是天壤之別。這是大法的威德!是师父,慈悲伟大的師父對我一直地不離不棄,幫我善解了惡緣,讓我在神的路上不斷得到錘煉和歸正。

我經常想起,師父以前講法中說,「所以無論你是做甚麼的、你是幹甚麼的,你只要見到我,我就讓你動善念,你只要見到我,我就能夠在你善念中消你的罪、消你的業。(鼓掌)世人其實都有明白的一面,他們是清楚的。」——《 二零零三年加拿大溫哥華法會講法》。我就想,師父並不是要講自己,而是在為我們開示法理。那麼我就要在純淨自己、善修的過程中,以大法中修出的慈悲力量感化我身邊的人,讓來到這裡的生命不枉與我(們)的相遇,得到大法的救度,不負眾生所望。

 

叩謝師父!謝謝同修!

修去怨恨心 大法善解恶缘

Eliminating the mentality of resentment, Dafa will compassionately resolve negative predestined relationship

Greetings Venerable Master, Greetings fellow practitioners!

I have been in Australia for close to five years. In these five years, I have weathered many storms in my cultivation journey. Every time the Australian Fahui is held, I feel that I have not cultivated well enough so I did not want to write sharing. This year I thought of writing a sharing many times, but each time the thought comes up, it will be washed away when I think back to many a cultivation experience. I thought to myself: you are so far away from Master’s requirements. Are you even worthy of being a practitioner? Do you even want to cultivate? When these thoughts come up, I don’t want to write a sharing anymore. However after much reflection, I asked myself, should I write an article? Who am I writing the article for? Why should I write the article? In the end I realized that it was my competitive mentality and attachment to fame that was manifesting, so that whenever I thought of writing an article, I thought of comparing myself to others, and feeling that others are writing an article because they have done so well, and I would put myself down by thinking that I should be happy that Master has not given up on me. In the end I felt I should conquer these negative notions, so that I can rectify myself in the process of writing a sharing.

The topic of my sharing is cultivating away the attachment of resentment. This attachment has been with me for a long time. In this life, even though I come from a religious family, under the totalitarian rule of the Communist government, my family environment was very bad. My father from an early age learnt painting and martial arts, and in his later years studied Buddhism, but he was unable to let go of his bad temperament. I have early memories of my parents arguing. I have a clear memory of myself at the age of four or five, on a cloudy day, mother holding my hand and going out for a walk with me. The reason was because father had knocked over the dining table after complaining that my mother’s soup was not good enough for him. Because I was the second daughter in the family, my father wanted to give me away, but he was only stopped by a friend who persuaded him to keep me. When I was 6 years old, my parents separated, so in my mind my childhood years was cold and grey, full of sadness and unrest. Having faced all these tragedies at an early age, I blamed everything on my father, and I felt a deep sense of resentment in my heart. From my high school years, I became frail and irritable, and I remember writing in my diary: I am God’s daughter, because of mistakes that I committed, I was sent to earth to suffer. That being the case, I wish I can endure all the hardships in this life so that I can pay off all debts, and return to my home in heaven and no longer have to go through the cycle of reincarnation.

10 years after my parents divorce, because of his pursuit of wealth, my father was cheated and his worldly were auctioned off. At that time, my resentment of my father turned into hatred, and I felt hurt mentally and physically.

In my fourth year of university I read Zhuan Falun. When Master said in Zhuan Falun “If I cannot save you, nobody else can”. I felt a sudden self of relief. I knew for sure that this time I could really go home. I no longer felt lost and lonely. However, this resentment that I had since childhood has become the roadblocks to my cultivation, and become an excuse that the old forces have tried to use to destroy me.

In 2007, I migrated to Australia. I had already experienced two and half years of hellish persecution. I had experienced loss of faith and felt Master’s compassion on my road to recovery as I came back to cultivation. At the same time, I was trapped in a relationship that I could not break away from. One of the reasons for this was resentment.

After we arrived in Australia, I became sensitive to financial problems. I resented the fact that my husband refused to continue working and the fact that the burden of supporting the family fell on me. I felt resentment, yet at the same time, I tried to walk on the path of cultivation. However, because I kept thinking about work, I could not concentrate during Fa study, and this resentment meant that I often behaved like an ordinary person, I was attached to emotion, I was attached to a sense of security and wellbeing. Without knowing I was trapped in emotion. At home, the conflicts escalated day by day, and the conflicts would erupt into war every three to five days. Yet I still could not practice true cultivation. I struggled through cultivation with blood sweat and tears.

At one stage my husband behaved like he was the spokesman for the old forces. I knew that it was not him that was speaking. He behaved like he had lost all rationality as he cursed Master and cursed Dafa. He would post messages slandering Dafa on the walls and twice he tore up Dafa books in a rage. What I experienced with him was strikingly similar to what I had experienced in the labour camps in China, yet this was happening in my own home in Australia. It felt more painful this time because the old forces was manipulating him to interfere with my cultivation and did not care that they were ruining his life – this was too evil!

I lost count of the amount of times I thought of divorcing him, but I knew that I had been unworthy of Master before, so I could not give up again and lose this final chance that had been given to me. Once in a dream, I saw a person point to me and tell someone else that my name was “Duan yu” (which means “severing desires”). I woke up and understood that it was compassionate Master giving me a hint. Yes it’s true, all the discontent that I felt was because I felt that my desires not been satisfied in the human world. I had already taken a self-destructive detour in my cultivation, and it was only because of Master’s grace that I was able to return to Dafa, yet I still refused to cultivate well, and failed one test after another, and brought the disaster on to myself. It was all self-inflicted.

I thought to myself – such a great Fa. It was like a steel furnace melting wood scraps. I just don’t believe that I can’t pass this test! Old forces, don’t think you will succeed, I will definitely rectify this situation, I will be responsible to my own sentient beings. This thought was as rock solid as gold.

However when you are in the midst of hardship, the human side often feels discouraged, emotional and worthless. I lacked confidence and faith in myself and felt that my righteous thoughts was lacking. Once at a group Fa study, a fellow practitioner told me that another practitioner with the tianmu open could see that as I was reading the Fa, each time I read one word, a circle would pop out and inside the circle appeared layers and layers of Buddhas, Taos and Gods who were all reading the Fa with me. I have never seen anything since I started cultivating, but I clearly understood that Master was using fellow practitioners to tell me – do not be discouraged, believe in Master, believe in the Fa, there are countless sentient beings all waiting for you to return home. Here, I would also like to say to the practitioners who are going through a tribuation, remember Master’s words in Hongyin “When disciples have ample righteous thoughts Master has the power to turn back the tide” (From The Master-Disciple Bond, Hongyin II) We have Compassionate Great Master, and a Dafa that is so great that it can rectify the universe, there is no need to worry! All the tribulations in the human world can be overcome, as long as we want to overcome them.

I realized that my fundamental attachment was the pursuit of a better life, because I felt there were so many shortcomings in my life. All these attachments can ruin a cultivator’s resolve! There is desire, jealousy, competitive mentality, and even the mentality of retaliation. This attachment combined with the mentality resentment is the reason why I could not free myself from these tribulations.

In June 2010, I moved to Sydney to help the “Vision China” newspaper. I worked fulltime on the newspaper, and I knew that this was an opportunity arranged by Master, to allow me to enter a new phase of cultivation by working on a Dafa project.

Not long after arriving in Sydney, I experienced conflicts in the home on a few occasions. My husband even took out a small Australian flag and a Communist flag and stuck it on the desk at home and said to me, I will do whatever you hate. This incident lead me to have many thoughts of giving up on him. He again started cursing Master and the Fa. I was no longer as angry as I was before. I just felt sorry that he was unable to enlighten to the truth. I knew that the flag would make it harder for me to be saved but all I could do was continue with sending righteous thoughts.

Finally one day I come home from work and he told me that the window screens were growing some flowers. They were the Udumbara flowers that I had told him about many times before but he never believed me. He said he had taken out the window screens and taken photographs, and looked at the flowers through a magnifying glass. He refused to admit that this was the magic Udumbara flowers. He told me a few days later that he had looked it up in the encyclopedia and that the encyclopedia said it was some kind of bug. I took no notice of him. After a few more days he told me that he had looked at the flowers under the magnifying glass and could actually see the petals. I smiled and cried with joy.

After a while, when I felt that the time was right, I said to him firmly that he had to hand over the bloody red flag on that desk to me. When I opened my mouth to say these words, I felt a surge of warm energy run through my body. I knew that Master was strengthening me and encouraging me. He laughed when I asked him and said that he was just using it as decoration, “if you want to you can have it. You want to burn it right? I won’t hang the Australian flag here then, I’ll pack it up”. Master is so compassionate!

My husband supported my efforts to promote 2012 Shen Yun. A few times I was so busy that I would leave home early and get home late, or I would return home, quickly eat something and leave again. Since I worked on the newspaper, I was busy in the evenings, even if I was not at home, I would be in front of the computer. We would go for a week without barely a few words to each other. I wouldn’t have time to do any house work and or worry about anything that happened at home. He would complain at times, but it would pass. Actually this was directly related to my xinxing. In the past, I tried to think of how to stop him from interfering with my Dafa work, and I felt that since he didn’t work, he should at least do all the housework. I was attached to that thought and this meant that we would have constant arguments at home over this. I often would go out doing Dafa work with my mind full of these thoughts. Gradually I learnt to let go of these thoughts and would contribute to housework where I could. When I was busy, he would automatically look after housework and without me having to say a word.

In the past I felt unbalanced in my heart, and when asked him why he had unreasonable expectations on me, he replied, you have a faith, so you should behave in such and such a way. I always felt that was the old forces way of using him to persuade me to give up cultivation. After I unconsciously cultivated away this heart of resentment, he said to me once, I won’t keep score over things that occurred in the past, actually you are all still human so of course you will not be perfect.

Now even though my husband does not believe in Dafa, and even though he still persists in his stubborn notions, and even though he is sometimes annoyed when I am really busy with Dafa work, and says that I am busy “having fun outside” instead of looking after the home, he is on the whole quite supportive of the Dafa work I do. He will even comfort me when I feel overwhelmed. There is a huge difference between my home environment now and my home environment many years ago – this is the Fa’s mighty virtue! This is Master, compassionate great Master who has persistently looked after me, and enabled me to compassionately resolve a negative predestined relationship, and enabled me to cultivate and rectify myself on the path to Godhood.

I often recall Master’s words in “Teaching the Fa at the Conference in Vancouver, Canada, in 2003”

So no matter what your job is or what you do, as long as you see me, I'll have you develop good (shan) thoughts, and as long as you see me I'll reduce your sins and your karma amidst your good thoughts. (Applause) In fact, everyone in the world has a knowing side, they're aware”.

I feel that Master is not saying this to boast about himself, he is explaining the Fa principles to us. So I should purify myself, and in process of cultivating myself, use the power of compassion that I have cultivated to touch the people around me, so that the sentient beings that we come across will be saved by the Fa, and we will not let down their hopes.

Thank you Master! Thank you fellow practitioners!