Letting go of my fundamental attachment
By Denice from Melbourne
Greeting fellow practitioners
My name is Denice and I’ve come to realize that it’s time for me to share about the issues I’ve been facing during my cultivation in the last few years. The focus is on how I came to understand my fundamental attachment. It played a negative role in many ways during Dafa Projects which I had participated in. As I wouldn’t do any job of responsibility. I would just help out with all the small things as support staff. I was always on the sidelines waiting for others to start a project so I could help them.
My fundamental attachment was a lack of self worth. I had always felt that I was undeserving of anything good or worthwhile. I felt that any bad situation was my fault and even asked myself, how could I do something so important as to be a Fa rectification Dafa Disciple? I never felt that I was good enough.
My thoughts during cultivation had always been about letting go of attachments. I would listen to every thought looking for attachments to let go of. Over time I realised that this was an attachment in itself. I thought that if I could only let go of another attachment I would be a better person, I would be worthy. I would sabotage myself by pushing others to reinforce how I felt about myself. I believed because of my lack of worth that I had for myself, that my life should be difficult, hard, and torturous and so I actually made my life difficult, hard and torturous.
The only time that I felt like my true self was when I did the 3 things. I was focused and confident with all my thoughts in the Fa, I knew that this is what I was meant to do.
I had never distinguished the difference between Denice the everyday person and Denice the Fa Rectification Dafa Disciple - they are actually two different people.
我从来分不清作为常人的Denice和正法时期大法弟子的Denice的不同 – 其实她们是两个不同的人。
When I started to practice Dafa, my whole life changed. Not only were all my illnesses healed but my life direction changed as well. I do not acknowledge Denice the everyday person who had illness anymore Now I see the real me - I am a Fa Rectification Dafa Disciple.
In Essentials for Further Advancement 11 Master has said:"Dafa disciples are magnificent, because what you are cultivating is the ultimate Great Fa of the cosmos, because you have validated Dafa with righteous thoughts, and because you have not fallen during the massive tribulation. Dafa disciples’ doing Fa-rectification has no precedent in history. In the magnificent, grand feats of validating the Fa with rationality, clarifying the truth with wisdom, and spreading the Fa and saving people with mercy, each Dafa disciple’s path of Consummation is being perfected. At this great moment in history, every steady step is a glorious historic testimony, and is incomparable magnificent mighty virtue. All this is being recorded in the history of the cosmos. The magnificent Fa and the magnificent epoch are forging the most magnificent Enlightened Beings." page 74
I am a part of this. I now hold my head high and follow what Master has arranged for me.
As a cultivator I had sickness karma, but I kept calling it cancer and an over active Thyroid; it was in my thoughts all the time that I was ill. At this stage, I didn’t see the difference between being ill and sickness karma but knew that I had human thoughts. This was before I distinguished myself from the Denice before practicing Dafa, who had Lung disease, allergies and Chronic Fatigue who was dying, and Denice the Fa rectification Dafa disciple who had Cancer and an over active Thyroid again I thought that I was dying. At this stage I couldn’t see the difference.
作为修炼者，我有病业，但我一直称它为癌症和过分活跃的甲状腺，在我思想中一直认为我有病，那时我分不清楚是病还是业力，但我知道我有人心。也分不清哪个Denice – 是修炼大法前有肺病、过敏、慢性疲劳症、快死去的Denice, 还是正法时期大法弟子的Denice。我还是认为我快死了，我分不清哪个是哪个。
I was very secretive about the sickness karma, for the first 12 months I didn’t want anyone to know. My low self esteem told me that I deserved the sickness karma. I realized that by not sharing about the issues in my cultivation it would be difficult to break through this thinking. Slowly over the next 6 months I started to share with practitioners about my situation.
I was looking for support. Then one day though my tears I shared this with a Sydney Chinese practitioner. He said to me: ‘Denice I am so sorry to hear this, so many practitioners are dying, you need to go to as many Fa Study groups as you can, every day if you can, and go to were you know there are practitioners practicing the exercises. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I cut back my hours at work and started to go to the big group Fa study. As well as another two Fa study groups in my area.
In Essentials for Further Advancement Master said: “The human body is like the annual rings of a tree, whereby each ring contains sickness-karma. So your body must be cleaned up from the very centre.” “This will continue until you cultivation reaches the highest form of Shi-Jian-Fa (the pure white body) when all your karma will have been pushed out. Page 40
When I read this it all made sense to me and I could see the difference between having an illness and sickness karma, I knew that Master was patiently waiting for me to enlighten to it.
Master is my support. He listens to me, he helps me to enlighten, he is always there for me. I no longer cultivate in loneliness because Master walks by my side. I put my life in Master's Hands and I have Dafa in my heart. Thank you Master!
This is my understanding at my level.