look within
J. Deller
Greetings to respected Master and greetings to fellow practitioners.
When we were in New York last August I remember Master returning to speak with us
for the last time after he had listened to our discussions. He radiated immense compassion
but also appeared concerned as he reminded us -
I knew about the principle of “look within” many years ago, but until I heard Master say it over and over again on that afternoon, I realised I hadn't understood it well at all.
When I heard the message last July to come to New York I knew it was serious. As part of the FXH in NSW I knew we faced difficulties in our cultivation environment which hadn't been resolved. I felt a responsibility to improve things particularly being in a chairman role, but to my regret, I never found the right way to truly help.
When the NSW FXH was established I asked a veteran practitioner about the chairman's role? They said, “It's not being a leader, we have no leaders”. Another told me, “You just have to study the Fa a lot, that's the main thing.”
So I thought, “Just focus on Fa study, great!” But I soon found myself pulled this way and that way, listening more to others but not listening clearly to Master. As I became more and more busy, I found it increasingly difficult to study the Fa well.
I heard from some practitioners that I was too bossy. So I would reflect on that
and responded by letting go of my idea, but sometimes with a wounded heart. I heard
from others that I was too weak. So I tried sticking to what I thought was correct,
but without being understanding of others. Both ways were not good, as I did not
truly look within to see my attachment and did not consider others with benevolence.
I also had a thought of complaining -
But then Master has reminded me clearly that even a bad thing can be a good thing
if I watch within myself -
Through Master's grace I have realised that “watching self “ is a key in every situation. By watching if my heart moves, then I can listen to others without focusing on them. I can hear clearly what they say, but my focus is not on whether I agree with them or not. But if I am not watching within myself, then a thought or a comment about someone can jump up automatically.
Last August, as I sat listening to Master in New York, I felt calm and knew that the old FXH in NSW had to change. It wasn't working well and I also felt responsible. When the new FXH was announced I just sat there sitting quietly, unmoved when the names were read out. Then the practitioner next to me had to say “Heh, your John Deller, you need to go out the front.”
As the new FXH stood at the front, I remember doing Heshi to Master. It was a silent apology for not being able to do better, and a commitment to improve.
After the New York meeting had concluded I heard that the 3 new members of FXH for NSW were meeting with Master. This was a good test for my looking within. I was surprised to see I had a thought of, “What about us westerners”, which was really a thought of “what about me?”.
I saw a flash of jealousy cross my mind. I had been in the FXH for 5 years but never made a focus of seeing Master. I thought that would be bothering Master. Even when I had the opportunity to see Master each day, I did not want to ask him any question about Australia as I knew he already told us so many times what we need to do.
But still I had a thought, “Why not the whole of new FXH to see Master, that would be right!” But then I remembered that Gods look at our hearts, not whether we are “right”. At that moment my heart became calm and I knew that Master has his arrangement and I don't need to think about it. I just need to have trust and remember the basic thing Master has asked, to “watch within myself.”